This is what it must be like

I am officially a full time nanny. 6 different kids, 3 families, one me. I am so happy that I can do this full time. I am excited to go to work for the first time in...well, a long time. I am so excited to see where God takes me in this new journey and just how I can impact each and every one of these kids. I have an awesome schedule that gives me the weekends and holidays off. I can also pretty much make my own schedule. But the best thing yet are these kids. This is what it must have been like for my mom (well, the running around and watching kids part, not the time off part)

I am watching seven month old Audrey three days a week into the afternoon. She is getting bigger everyday and still acts like my little monkey. Occasionally I watch Audrey's older siblings, eight year old Kai and 5 year old Dylan. They are such great kids and I definitely am so blessed to be involved with their family. I am now watching Henry, a big eyed, Australian, three year old who LOVES his trains. I watch him in the afternoons five days a week. I am SO excited to get to know him and go on many adventures with his adorable little self. I am also watching six year old Joshua twice a week after school. I can't wait to see all he will teach me.

So, I have come to realize these kids, they are what I was meant to do. I get up and think of the things we can do that day, what they will all start to learn and how I can love on them the way the Lord would. They are so full of wonder and they remind me what it is like to have a childlike spirit. This is the part of me I think my mom most effected. I honestly feel like this is something she would be so proud of me for.

Justin is doing incredibly well in school. He, too, is doing what he loves every day. We are so blessed to be where we are and even though it was a rough start, God has been so faithful to us.

I turned 23 on the 5th and feel no older or younger, just... alive. It was a wonderful birthday. My hubby made me a comfort food, Grandma Ruth's Chicken and Dumplings. He knew I was feeling homesick that day. He also made AMAZING molten chocolate cake and had a dozen roses for me at the door :D The next weekend we had chorizo and eggs for breakfast in bed and he bought me the new Jimmy Eat World on record! SOOOO great! Oh and a surprise trip to San Fransisco to see ANBERLIN IN CONCERT!!!!! He kept it a secret all the way there. It was just so fun. So, needless to say, my husband gave me a wonderful 23rd. 

So, all the updates aside, I will paint a picture of where I am now. I am sitting in Dolci. It is an adorable little Italian coffee shop downtown St. Helena. I am waiting until I go pick up Joshua at school, then over to Henry's till six. The people who actually live in St. Helena almost never go walking downtown, they are too busy in their adorable homes (when I say adorable I mean mostly Victorian and the kind of homes they put in movies to seem like the "average American home" when you are watching you go "I don't know anyone with a house that nice unless they live in like New Hampshire")and working to salvage this seasons harvest. Most of the people who walk through the shops are tourists or just traveling through. Yet, here I sit, typing away drinking my iced tea and thinking of the holidays. The trees change color here, just like the vineyards, and it makes for  gorgeous fall palette. We had a nice few rainy days and now it is sunny but brisk enough for a jacket...ah I LOVE the fall. The wind is sweeping in through the open doors and inspiring me to go and find a nice ubby pumpkin for carving. Yup...it's a plan.

Thank you to those of you who read this. Thank you for listening for a little while. I must be off to do what my mom did and get my house cozy for the holidays. My love to you -Bean

WHAMO! Jesus Smacked Me IN. THE. FACE!

It is amazing what a difference starting your day off in the word makes. I stopped the lazy self pity sleeping in when I could and decided I didn't recognize this person I was becoming. I have been very broken and tired lately. I miss my family, and I really miss my parents. But this morning, God did some humbling through the way He speaks to me best. It rained this morning for the first time since we have been here and the first time for me since I don't even remember. “This is yours, and you have been ignoring my gift for you, now open your eyes Korina.” And there is was, this vast vividly green valley, covered in wispy fog (the pretty kind, not the scary kind) and the sun was shining briefly as if to kiss the morning goodbye not to return until it set. The wind had a chill on it but it smelled of rain on asphalt and wood chimneys. How could I deny God's work or provision? Since when was His astonishing love for me not enough? I was baffled.

A song came on from my iPod called “Over The Pond” by The Album Leaf. They write mostly ambient stuff in a language no one understand but resembles Icelandic. Anyway, this song was on this video I watched once that really convicted me and the song reminds me still of how the Holy Spirit moves, washing over you, creeping up my spine and bringing tears to my eyes. I still get the chills when I think of it. This song is on a playlist currently titled “Life's Soundtrack” The surprise song I walked down the isle to is on there and the song I first heard God speak to is on there. I would encourage all of you to make such a playlist and listen to it often...for nostalgia's sake.

Today I spent most of the day alone with Audrey. She was pretty needy today and later I realized how alike we are :S Now I am home waiting for Justin to get off of work so I can tell him how much I love him and miss him and need him. But he will say the same so it won't be so bad :)

I had a memory today as well. Holding Audrey as she slept, I remembered being cradled by my mom, I actually recalled looking up at her as she had her eyes closed and was praying. I remember her soft cold hands. I miss the comfort only a mom brings. But today, I felt like God was actually cradling me, and no matter how bad I was, how mean, all He wanted to do was hold me, and love me. Why do we fight so hard to stay awake when we are little? What are we afraid of missing out on? Maybe today I learned that I could just missing out on the embrace, the closeness, that I need so badly. Who cares that we have no money and neighbors creepy as hell, and my car sucks? At least we can eat, at least I have Justin, at least I have a car!

So, home is going to be where I make it. I carry my family with me. I have the family I need here with me, Justin and I. Justin is truly so much more of a husband than I could have ever anticipated. Loving, nurturing, strong, humble and so gracious. He is quiet gaze in the crowded room and the reason I can feel beautiful. So, for those of you wondering, almost 9 months in, being married is absolutely wonderful. We still are giddy around each other and he still makes me swoon. I hope if nothing else, we can encourage those who were in our place. Stick with it! It is so worth the long haul. The first year did NOT suck as I was frequently told and there were no huge annoyances or fights, no we aren't perfect, but we worked hard before hand so we could continue the blissful state past the honeymoon. Our love is deeper now, and we have more understanding of each other and I cannot wait to watch Justin change and grow as I do, together in the Lord. (ps if any of you out there have video or pictures of the wedding, we still have very little and would love if you shared whatever you had :D ! )

I am starting work at a chocolate company here in St. Helena on Tuesday. I will be working everyday but Thursday working there and working with Hanson's taking care of Audrey. It will be good for us.

Prayer requests:

Little Kai (Audrey's older brother) has Autism, for renewed strength for his parents and healing for him.

That God would bring financial provision for Justin and I with school payments.

That we would find a more affordable place to live closer to town if it is God's will.

That God would open the door and our hearts to a new church home.

Thank you for the continued prayers and encouragement. If any of you readers are out there, you make this worth the writing :)

Here are lyrics I have carried with me this week, in this new place.

“This time around, you can be anyone” This Time Around Helen Stellar

Live your life like you have had a near death experience, been given a second chance, each day is new. Each day a blessing, a gift, ours to glorify God...or not.

Don't Write Me Off Yet

I know it has been far too long since my last entry, so, here it goes....
Justin and I are slowly but surely getting settled in here in the heart of the Napa Valley. Too bad it is so ugly here.

We are so blessed to live where we do and the Lord reminds us of that every time we drive into St. Helena. We are living in a VERY small town called Angwin. It is about 8 miles up the road from the Culinary Institute of America, where Justin is going to school. Angwin is home to Pacific Union College, the post office and a small "college market". The school is Seventh Day Adventist and apparently even the whole community as our mail is delivered Sundays and nothing is open on Saturdays, in fact, the town looks like some kind of post-apocalyptic horror flick.

I was blessed with a job working as a nanny for a beautiful 8 month old little girl named Audrey. Her parents are photographers for the rich and the famous. I had the opportunity to see them at work and assist them with a wedding they shot...these guys are INCREDIBLE at what they do, plus they are super great to work for. Meanwhile Justin is working at the school pretty soon here and attending classes and making friends and being awesome as usual. I am lacking in the "making friends" department seeing as most people here are over 40, have lots of money, and aren't particularly friendly anyway...maybe my jeans and nose ring are off-putting.

Anyway, I am kicking a** in the housewife department. I could never have imaged how wonderful it would be to create a home for Justin and I, a place we can't wait to get back to. So far, Justin's folks and Shaug and Amy have been able to visit to see our sweet little place which was just so awesome. They all spoiled the crap out of us and we are definitely missing everyone a lot now.

We have yet to find a church home but we are looking. Hard to follow up after the Well. But God has been so faithful to us and we are very eager to see how things will turn out.

So, my observations if you choose to live in St. Helena:
-You MUST ADORE wine...all of them, and be very good at faking the ability to identify flavors in them
-If you are over 50 you must wear really big fluffy hats and white pants
-If you do have child they need to wear Dolci and Gabana just like you do
-You shouldn't drive a really dusty car (aka mine before yesterday) anywhere, ever...the dirt might get on their Porche and cause the engine to cease.

On another note...I think crazy neighbors are going to be wherever you choose to move, so get used to it. Ours has a parrot and 3 year old who both scream at 3 a.m. and the mom likes to walk through our porch and look into our windows to see our interior decorations :S

Overall, life is good. I really miss my family. I am turning 23 in 23 days, which freaks me out. But I can't get enough of seeing Justin doing what he loves for once in his life. His contended heart blesses me so much. Casey and Alyssa, if you ever read this, know I really miss you guys and there is so much here that I would love to laugh about with you haha.

And many thanks to my husband, we are growing a fonder taste for wine. I am exceedingly jealous of all the amazing food he gets to eat everyday though.

For now I send you to my facebook page to enjoy the recent pics of our new place and the surrounding areas :) -Bean

The Pieces

Our home is a collection of nostalgia. The walls are covered in paintings from childhood, collections of random memories and posters of our favorite movies. Our music resonates up the stairs, melodies of our parents collections mixed with our own. Our closet of a home is quiet sometimes, but it is rich with our lives before each other and richer with our life we have just begun. The weight of our lives lately is wearing us thin. The world is beckoning us to a change of pace, to new people, new work, just...new. The daily prayer is the strength to make it through the work week. But, coming home to our home, makes it somewhat worthwhile.
J and I got a break this last week. We went to Catalina Island for my niece's graduation/vacation.  It was so unbelievable to take J to all the places I grew up. Part of my heart felt like, if I kept looking, I might find my mom living there. I know it is a crazy thought, but I kept imaging running into her there, among the familiar. I wanted so badly for Justin to be able to see my life before he was around, when I took him there, I was taking him to my childhood with me. Now it feels as if...he were there all along in a strange way. There were still markings that I remembered there, from when I was little. It was like going home, the town covered with nostalgia.
These pieces of my life, before and after, meeting each other. As Justin and I seek out this new part of our life, we do not know what to expect. Our hearts weigh heavy with the unknown. There are so many things we could choose to burden us so easily. My prayer is that I can support him regardless, and seek the Lord the way he needs me to. I am learning to appreciate so greatly his determination and vigor in everything he does. He is the most driven man I know. Most importantly, he desperately loves our Father, and can in return love me in ways I never knew were possible. As we grow together, my hope is that we leave pieces of us along the way. One day we will come back to this town and smile as we remember our memories here.
"Time, always time, on my mind. So pass me by, I'll be fine, just give me time."
Sometimes life moves so fast you want to pause a little while and remember, but when you do it catches up with you. And there you are, left stumbling over your memories and falling into your future. It is like being pulled in the waves, it could be bliss, or it could be deadly, all depending on how you swim. I am feeling a lot less in control than I would like, and far less graceful than I care to admit.
There are moments I could just watch Justin, I could just stare at him and take him in. When a million birds sing in the morning as if they powered the sun to rise, that is my favorite time to watch Justin sleep so peacefully. I usually wake up in time to see the sunlight warm his face. Those slow motion moments are too far in between. But, I carry them with me all day. A collection of nostalgia I have already begun to create with him.
One day, when we are old, I will think back and remember our life together. All the pieces, moments, memories, in my mind will carry me through to the next ones, and I will be able to die peacefully knowing that if I did anything with my life, at least I loved him. He carries the pieces of me I leave behind and loves me in return. If someday he decided not to love me, at least has those pieces of me. That is all I could ask for, because the Lord is in every piece I leave behind.
For now, we both illuminate.

Creative Clog

I finished watching a documentary called Art & Copy tonight and realized something about myself. I am a creative person. I need to be creating something or I feel....well rather gross. I can't remember the last time I spent time being artistic but I seriously miss it. If there is nothing that I ever do on this blog but post updates on my most recent photo or drawing or painting or whatever, so be it! I want to create a home that breeds creativity, with no hindrances or ways to keep me insecure about being artistic. I know I am certainly not the best nor will I ever be, but I do want to do the best I can. I want to watch God work in me or through me rather, to evoke emotions in people, to move them. So, if you are out there and you read this...hold me accountable please. Thank you!

The Moments Between

They say the first day of spring was a while ago, but you would never know unless they told you so. I deem today the first day of Spring. It will last about two weeks and then it will be summer as per usual. For now, I am soaking up all I can. I feel an illness creeping in as I write this tonight. Perhaps the sun will take it all away. Perhaps, it will take me away... for now the Spring will feed me, it will be the time between.

I miss a good car ride with the windows down and music loud, something acoustic and warm to match the weather. I need to "lay upon the ground and stare a hole in the sky, and think about where I go when I die" I need to spend some time with God and go where I hear Him. There is a moment that happens when I take the time, where I am overwhelmed by God and creation and love and awe. The moment between here and where I am going. The time between chaos where I cry tears of joy in hope of how He moves.

I have a husband in my life now who shares those moments with me. He sees me, observes, as I stand under the sun in wonder. He watches me in the review mirror while my fingers hang out the passenger window and wave in the wind. I watch him serve his customers all day, I watch him smile and love and, well, be Justin. I see him work hard every day, I see him do the dishes and fold the clothes and open my car door for me. He loves even in the moments between, where life happens. He shows me what being Godly really means, what serving is. I look up to this man so much. He knows me well enough to let me just absorb when I need to. Father God bless him for his selflessness. Show him how much you love him. Take my husband where he dreams, use him to be glorified. Father He longs for you, show him your vision, move in his spirit so that he can love like you again and again. Thank you for this gift, thank you for showing me what it means to love. God wherever you take us, teach us to not forget to praise you in the moments between.

Breathe in and out, see, more clearly the music in motion that God creates in front of your eyes every day. Choose to see the spark in someones eyes, at the very least look into the eyes of everyone you talk to. Be intentional in everything you do. Once we learn to be intentional in everything we do, we will learn to feel the moments where God moves.

In the quiet tonight, Holy Spirit move, fill this home, rest our hearts.

Keeping A Promise

I have had many requests of me in my life. The hardest I was ever asked to fulfill was to keep singing. "Sing" she asked me. "Don't stop singing" she reiterated a few days later. So I sang for her that next week, every day, while we were alone. "Pretty" the last thing she spoke to me.

It's hard to sing anymore.

Yesterday I sang the last song I ever sang to her at a wedding I went to. I wasn't alone. The whole crowd was asked to sing this hymn, so I sang along, not realizing how quickly that song hit me right in the gut. As I sang, a little girl with blond hair in a blue dress, about five years old turned around and watched me sing. As she shyly smiled behind the seat back I smiled back. I remembered being that little girl, dressed up, looking admiringly upon older girls, wanting to be grown up, wanting to sing.

I watched my good friend get married to a wonderful godly man. I remembered my wedding and how it seems some days like it has already been years. I watched my friend get ready amidst the chaos. I watched her mom help her into her dress. I watched her mom more than anyone else at the wedding. I watched as her mother's tears fell down her smiling cheeks, as she looked so admiringly upon her only daughter.

When I stood behind the door to the isle I would walk down, I had a moment to take everything in. My dad was on his way, everyone was sitting in their seats, waiting on me. I stood there in silence, the quietest part of my whole wedding day, alone. I asked the Lord if he would please let my mom watch, as I married the man she always wanted for me.

I miss her, every day.

Mom, you can know I won't stop singing, I promise. I have a husband now who loves to hear me, and asks me often to sing for him. I hope you know how happy I am these days. I hope you know I think of you everyday. I hope you know I can't wait to see you again. We will have a reunion like when I came to the hospital and saw you for the first time since I got back from Ireland. Your feet kicking hands waving crying hysterically and laughing at the same time. I am sorry for everything I ever said that hurt you. I hope you know how much I love you. Thank you for this legacy, I will do my best to make you proud, to follow our Father, to love my husband and my family, until I see you again.

Father I will reflect and shine, I will illuminate, I will sing, for and because of you.

The lilac tree in the parking lot is shaking away the bees, or maybe the wind is just dancing with it. Either way, it is captivating because it is doing exactly what it should be, blooming in all it's glory. There is nothing like watching creation do what it was meant to, watching it all in play. There are waves of sadness and joy, heartache and grace, that flood into you day after day, and push you further into the longevity of your life, that shape and mold you. At the very least I feel like I am being pulled down river in my life. As exciting as it seems, I am scared at times of what will be around the bend and I can't help but think about what seemed so fleeting upstream. However, this is life at it's most beautiful, rushing, flowing, carving, constant.
How to I, Korina Barigian, play into this wild river? How do I keep my head above the water? I let the water take me. I don't know where I fit in. All that I know is that I am to love my maker. It is so easy to do and so hard to do at the same time. Jesus why do you choose to love me? How can I love you better?

I came home yesterday to a completely clean home and a note that began "My beautiful bride" and I fell asleep to the swollen heart of my husband who was overwhelmed by the love of our Father. How did this happen? How did I become so blessed? I can't do much, but I certainly can love my Justin. He is the one thing I did right. Really, I didn't do anything, God just opened my eyes, allowed me to love and be loved. This is me doing what I was created to.
Justin was accepted into the Culinary Institute of America for the fall semester. It is some of the most exciting news we have received in a while. We are waiting on the financial aid and more information before we can start making some big decisions. We are waiting on the Lord about buying a car for Justin. A coworker of his is selling a Honda. Hopefully that works out. We are the brink of a lot of change. This is the kind of life I love to live. It is risky, it takes a lot of faithfulness, and now I have a husband to share it with, one step at a time.

Personal goals
Paint more
Practice guitar more
Photograph more
Love more

New Favorites
Justin's smile creeping out from under the covers that cover his mouth
Walks through the tree covered neighborhood we live in
Making breakfast with J in our pjs
Needing to use sunglasses again
The soft hum of songs from our wedding floating upstairs while I get ready for the day
My hand held every night as I fall asleep

For now I am off to float away :)

There are things too amazing for me...

"There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden."
Proverbs 30: 18-19

"How do you like married life?"

This is the most common question I hear. I remember asking it often to my newly married friends. Most often I heard "It's great, lots of compromises, but I love it." or "Sure learning a lot!"

I feel like I was prepared for a lot of little conversations of personal opinions clashing between Justin and I. I was ready to encounter many "compromises" and "learning" new things. In all honesty, I love living with my husband. Not to say my friends don't love living with their husbands, I just feel like I lucked out marrying a man with such similar living habits.

One of our favorite things is coming home after a long day of work and talking about our day, then cozying up to a good movie. We love our movies, and to tell you the truth I never would have thought another person out there would be ok with such a simple thing. Don't get me wrong, we love to go outside, weather permitting, but nothing beats a great movie. I can get a lot of criticism for it too. "Why don't you talk to each other instead?" We do! It's awesome! It's this thing called communication that we practice a lot of so we can have time for movies without neglecting each other. Plus, no T.V. in the bedroom (a rule Justin decided on before we were even engaged) I have to say, living with him is one of the easiest things I have ever done. It is new, it is a learning experience, and it is the most natural thing I have ever done.

So, my response to the most common question: "I am a HUGE fan of being married" and my response to the second most common question "When are you having kids?" (which by the way is unbelievable how often such a personal question is asked): "We are practicing" and on a more serious note, seeing as we just got married a little over two months ago, we have some time, hopefully lots of time.

So life is wonderful. I am learning more and more about the most fascinating person in the world to me. I am learning how God is speaking to me. We are really enjoying church and all its challenges for us as a married couple, and our AWESOME life group once a week. We are actively praying about the Culinary Institute of America in August for Justin. He has his application in and now we wait. We are so excited to see where God takes us, how He leads us.

Spring is right around the corner here in Bass Lake. We are so blessed to live in such a gorgeous community. Everything is getting so green and lush and lovely. I see my mom's smiling face with every post storm dramatic sunset, clouds bright and colorful. I am being challenged by the Lord in this new season of my life to daily lay down my issues and be open with my husband about what God is doing in my heart so he can better guide us and be the spiritual leader I need him to be.

As of right now I am fighting off a gross head cold, in bed, waiting for Justin to get off work, the best part of my day. It is amazing to me the depth of love the human heart can hold when the Lord has His hand on your marriage. I know this is all very new and people still call us "honeymooners" or "naive" but I cannot even fathom how I can love him more than I already do, then tomorrow comes and I am blown away at how possible it is. I know we will make mistakes, I know we will fail each other, that is simply a part of marriage. I married my best friend, and I am proud of how we did it. My sincerest prayer is that our story can be told and bless those around us. We simply cannot have what we do without our Father. God alone is what makes this possible, and because of God alone can we daily enjoy the true joyful blessing of it.

I am also daily humbled and truly overwhelmed at the amount of prayer and support we have from our family and friends around us. We can continue to love and be loved because of those in our lives as well. There are some things too wonderful for me to understand.

As soon as I get wedding photos I will post them, I am as eager as all of you to see them. For now, I am off to drug myself up ;) Yay NyQuil!

BEST. VALENTINE'S. EVER

being married is awesome...enough said

5 Days Left on the Advent Calandar, 50 days left on mine

I am so overwhelmed I do not even know where to begin...

I sit at my computer with my hot chocolate, thinking about how if my mom had been turned onto the blog world, she would have written often. This cold weather reminds me of her more than any other. I had a flash memory of her at Christmas time. It was the Christmas of 2006 before I left for Ireland. I had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room, five days left on the advent calendar, the room was dimly lit by the lights on the tree alone, and my mom sat at the end of the couch, bible and notepad in hand, her cheap, muddy, fifteen-times- reheated coffee on the side table. She had her eyes closed and she was humming an old Keith Greene song, a wide content grin across her face.

When I think of how she loved the Lord, I am shamed. I am sincerely enamored at the way she fell in love with God, as He cradled her there, on the end of the couch, on a stormy December night. I desire the same close walk, so that I can love the way she did. This is from that night...probably around 2 a.m.


I had never remembered the significance of that night, until I remembered...there were five days left on the advent calendar. Little did I know that three years later, on that same night, I would be marrying the man of my dreams. In 50 days I will be marrying the man of my dreams, I will be remembering my mom that night three years earlier. I know she prayed for Justin and I. She waited and prayed and faithfully was assured at the Lord's work within Justin and I. If I learned anything in Ireland, I learned that I loved Justin. I know my mom was praying for my eyes to be opened.

The amazing women of my family threw me the most amazing bridal shower last weekend. I was so overwhelmed at the amount of love and time that went into it. It takes a whole lot to surprise me, but they did it. I sat and listened to them all tell me wonderful stories about love and marriage advice. Hearing all of their perspectives on me and Justin's relationship over the years left me in tears at the blessing of it all. As we get closer to our wedding day I am reassured over and over of God's anointment over us.

I watched Justin hold my nephew Greyson today, something he has had to warm up to. I think the fragility of a baby is intimidating to him. I watched him hold Greyson up in the air and kiss his little forehead. I saw Justin playing with little Mikayla, making her two year old little heart flutter. He loves in a way I could never fully explain, but there is something about his interaction with others that leaves me falling even more deeply in love with him. He doesn't even realize that he loves when he is loving. He holds my head in is hands and reassures me of the Lord's provision, he looks into my eyes when I tell him about my day, he fills up my car with gas, he will open the door for others, he addresses his elders and Mr. and Mrs. There are many things Justin will do that are simple acts of kindness, simple acts of love, that he will never recognize, he will never understand the significance of, just as long as I can be around the rest of his life to be his biggest cheerleader, to open his eyes to it.

In a lot of ways my mom and I are very similar, the main thing being our shared love for a cozy sofa and our bibles, a time of reflection. On a drive we took once, just mom and I, we were listening to a Relient K song. The lyrics "I think I'll go eat cereal and stare out the window" came on and mom said that reminded her of me so much. We both laughed at how true it was, because both of us could so easily get lost in thought, and it usually involved a window and a storm of some sort, and we were usually eating something or drinking something warm, taking in what God had to say.

Life is wonderful lately. Again, I am overwhelmed. Maybe prayer for financial provision, a place for Justin and I to live, and patience for the next 50 days. Those are the big ones. Otherwise, I wake up and see the Lord living, loving, actively, and as we go into this next month, I want to soak up all He has to show us.

I am off to get into some pj,s, cuddle up on the couch with my hot chocolate, and listen to what the Lord has to say.

Sunny With A High of 75

The wind is blowing into my room and flirting with my wedding dress as it hangs in it's bag on the back of my bathroom door. Today is sunny and just warm enough to leave the windows open but keep a light sweater on. The aspen trees outside my slider are singing to me, they sound like when the waves roll back over a stony beach. It is breathtakingly gorgeous outside right now. The air is so crisp and cool I feel like a bi-plane ride is in order.

The Lord has so blessed me with a man who loves so strongly and passionately. Justin is working as a manager at Pizza Factory for a while and that has been a huge blessing. We are very much enjoying our engagement. I am relishing every moment I have with him while he is home from work. We are really enjoying our premarital counseling with Ryan and Christen and working toward our marriage together.

Wedding planning is coming along very well. We have been tremendously blessed with many very generous gifts to help us on our special day. I still wake up with him on my mind and he still holds a hand out in expectation and anticipation for mine everywhere we go. I am continually overwhelmed by the love and blessing of this man.

Last week I was reminiscing on how far we have come in our relationship. I thought about all of the things we have been through together and how I still know so little about the creature that is this man of God. I still feel like he is so far out of my league, but rest in confidence of his love knowing he only feels the same way about me. I see God in ways I have never known before because of Justin, and my hunger for the Lord has become more consuming. We laugh till our sides hurt, we cry when love wells in us and presses against our eyes.

I start work back at the Cool Bean Cafe on Friday morning. I am so excited to start a new journey there. I cannot wait to see what God has to say and do. I am really enjoying the company of my family today. We have almost the whole gang here tonight. Also, if you think of it, be praying for Angie and the kids. I miss her so much it hurts. Well, my fiance is home from a long day at work and pre-wife duty calls!

Enjoy this fall weather, fall in love.

I get to marry this man in 88 days...what the what?

Yeah...we have fun together, like making homemade tortillas, and laughing till we can't see straight at how silly we are, or being happy with just the quiet unspoken between us. I have an update coming soon...stay tuned :)

A Simple Seed

There I sat watching the dark sky on fire with a million shards of the sun dancing about. The wild warm night wind played with my hair and the smell of new asphalt teased my nose. In slow motion... my smile grew... bigger and bigger until there was no hiding the emerging giant grin I could no longer contain. I sat there recalling everything that had happened in the last year. My smile was now as wide as the beam of our headlights hitting the landscape racing beneath us. I looked down to try and keep my joy all to myself, like a wonderful secret. I could tell he was watching, without looking over, I could feel his gaze melt over me as he mirrored the same goofy grin....

Justin and I have been blessed beyond measure in the last few weeks. I feel an overwhelming need to share just how the Lord as been blessing us. Praise God for His new mercies everyday. His blessings have grown and grown over time, they mean more and more and become more elaborate, more beautiful, organic almost.

A few weeks ago Justin and I were at the end our rope. We had found out that he had officially exhausted every resource and could no longer attend the Culinary Institute in Napa Valley. We were both so devastated at the turn of events. We knew there was a reason as to why the funds didn't come in, why we both felt so certain only to have it taken away. We had each other and more than anything, we had the Lord. We laid it down and asked God's understanding, his blessing, and direction. As we began to pick up the pieces we began to focus on what was next. God where would you have us? How do you want us to grow? We are young, grow us in you Father.

I can't say all of our questions have been answered but the Lord has showered amazing blessings. So, Justin and I begin to focus on what we know is certain, and that is our wedding in December. I go to David's Bridal with my sisters and niece and try on a lot of dresses and my family all tells me I should try on this dress on the mannequin...which of course is WAY out of my budget..even on sale. I was a little disappointed that dress didn't work out but I leave in hopes of coming back again to find something similar.

The original plan was for me to move down to Fresno and live in Justin's old room while he was at school in Napa. In Fresno I would be working and going to school. Because it didn't work out, we needed to consider plan B. So, I transferred my units back up to Oakhurst and I am still living here with Shaug and Amy. Justin however was left praying for a new job and place to live.

Meanwhile...
My wonderful sister Angie feels a final call back to Avalon on Catalina Island. She will be moving the first of September. As hard as it is to see her go, I know the Lord wants her there, and He is going to bless her for her faithfulness in such a big move. My brother Paul, sister Angie, and my younger brother Rick all live in the same mobile house together. Now...Rick and Paul need a room mate

Pam, the manager of pizza factory is starting to think about a new hire...and recalls Justin (a previous employee of hers for years who works very hard and has a lot of potential...) Maybe she should call him... :O

A few weeks later, my brother Rick comes with me to David's Bridal to try on some more dresses. He is, after all, my man of honor. So, we try on a few more potential buys. I was blessed too because my future sister Amber came and gave a much needed balance to the viewing audience ;) Rick and Amber wanted to see the dress I had tried on the week before, hesitantly I tried it on for them. When I went back into the dressing room. I stood alone for a minute in the dressing room...

"Father...I don't know what is going on in my life right now. I feel so uncertain about everything. Please give me the strength to walk away from today feeling sane. I just wish mom could be here for this...let her see this Father, please."

I walked out of the dressing room in my shabby jeans and grey tank and got ready to leave. As I walked over to Rick and Angie, they were talking about financing options available at the store with the store sales person. Rick told me to pay the woman what I was going to pay for my dress. "Rick, what am I buying?"
"You're buying that dress Korina. It's is perfect, and you have to have it."
"I can't afford that dress"
"Yes you can...I am helping you, I've got the rest"
....WHAT?! How in God's name could my little brother make this happen?! I stood there baffled...wow. But wait! There's more! Not only was I blessed with my dream dress, I came home to an e-mail from my God Parent's saying they would print my invitations for free at their print shop...for free...as a wedding gift.

Wow Father! How you love me, how you love me...

About a week later on the drive home, Justin and I are talking about the possibility of him moving back up to Oakhurst. With each day that passes he feels called more and more to this place. We stop by Angie's house to talk to Paul, who tells Justin...he needs a house mate...hmmmm, coincidence, we think not. Now, just provide work Lord. Oh! you did already?! Oh, well ok then. Justin calls Pam at the pizza factory who had in fact already been considering Justin as a re-hire. Job, check!

Oh and hey, our wedding cake is covered...what the what?!. My awesome Tia Jackie is taking on the daunting task of making us our wedding cake. She is so much more of a blessing to this family than she realizes. I see mom in her eyes every time she laughs...

Lord, thank you for your continued blessings.

Korina, Justin, How I love you so...

Let me show you

Korina, here, I have a car for you...

Yes, the long awaited car has arrived. With my sister's move, her car needed a home. Her awesome little Hyundai Accent is now for sale. Not only is the Lord so awesome He provided the loan from Shaug and Amy, they also loaned enough for me to pay off my last car....yes, this is all actually true. So, with this blessing all I have to worry about it a small monthly payment with a significantly smaller interest rate.

And may I say, I am so looking forward to creating a home with my man. I have never been more excited about creating a space like I am about ours. My prayer is we will fill our home with joy, and practice hospitality often. Dinners and games with family, times of prayer, worship, a warm home. December here we come! 120 days away....

So, I feel like dancing, like celebrating the Lord's faithfulness. Of course our Father loves us, He is always finding ways to show us, even something as magnificent as the sunrise this morning. Which was so beautiful it looked edible. We praise you Father in the dark, and in the light we sing you songs of joy.

Father you see these widening smiles, you catch these in your gaze. Joy fills our hearts at how you love. We are not certain of anything, but we are certain of you, we are certain of your call. We recognize you Jesus. Let us give back to you all you have given Father.

Generosity - "readiness or liberality in giving."

Overwhelmed I sit in my room basking in the joys of the Lord. Thank those around you who have prayed for you, who have loved you, who have given more than you choose to realize. Live generously.

Illuminate. Be fruitful.

The Beginning (A Simple Seed) - The Classic Crime
p.s The Beginning by Classic Crime (careful, this song even makes me cry) if Gifford or Caitlyn come across this...this is for you guys ;)

A Little Bit...Shiny

I was once told “God sees you like a piece of metal in the grass, you reflect the light so brightly that it can be hard to look at, but unless you abandon your fear, you will be like rust” For that statement I am forever grateful. It can be my motivation to be the one to smile first in the morning, to recognize I have the power to change someone's day by reflecting God. I choose to bring praise for all that is going on right now, because..

Well because, life is beautiful. There is so much worth praising about right now I can't even begin to describe it all. Sure, there are a lot of hard things going on too, but for now, here is the awesome...

I am getting married in 145 days...what?! There is a lot still to do, but Justin and I are thoroughly enjoying every minute of it :D

We have started premarital classes with Ryan and Christen Davis, our old youth pastor from Mountain Christian Center. Our first meeting was so great and we are both so eager to learn more and more from each other.

I went to Monterey with Justin for his birthday last week and we had such a great time, it was a much needed break and being able to spend time with just him really gave me a lot more to look forward to with married life :) His birthday was Friday and we had a great time with Hannah and Ben and his family. I cannot wait for many more with him.

Work is getting better as I am getting into the swing of things more. It is still a challenge, but I know this isn't where God wants me permanently.

I am praying about moving down to Fresno soon. I start school the 17th and I am trying to find work down there.

I am falling in love again every day with my Justin. His passion for what he does, how he works, how he loves, is so overwhelming, so convicting.

God is working on healing my heart, and teaching me encouragement. I am so eager to see where He takes Justin and I, what His plan is for us.

Some prayer requests...

Justin couldn't get a co-signer for his school loan, so, as it stands he will not be attending in the fall, but will need to save and reapply next fall. The financial aid office is going to try and help us some, but we are still waiting to hear back from them. So, just prayer that God's will be done, that we find understanding and peace in the situation. If it does work, that Justin would find affordable housing and be able to transition easily.

I am looking at maybe buying my sister Angie's car, so just that if it is what God wants, that things would go smoothly and work well for the both of us.

That as I get ready for school, God would prepare my heart for the big task ahead of me, I will be full time and working.

I still need a job down in Fresno if I move there. So just prayer that I would find a flexible job that can help me save and cover my monthly expenses. I am looking at Starbucks again as an option and have a applied at a few.

Ok, I know that is all a mouthful, but that is my life as of now :D

I was in church with Justin yesterday. As we were worshiping I could really feel the Holy Spirit moving in the sanctuary. As I looked up in praise I felt God urging me to look at Justin. The way that man worships is so convicting. He is completely consumed in the Lord. He abandons everything and I was so overwhelmed by him I couldn't help but come to tears. The Lord knows just what I need. I need this man, and his heart for the Lord. The way he chooses to live his life urges me to a closer walk with the Lord, and there is nothing more attractive than knowing this man, the man I will marry, loves our God more than me.

Whether or not I chose to live this day for the Lord, the sun still sets and rises in praise, the clouds still mirror that setting sun, the birds still sing, the wind still blows, all for Him. The world moves forward in pursuit of our King, and I will move with it. When I choose to live my life as I was created, when I love as I was created to love, I move in pursuit of the heart of God.

Father take our lives as yours, as we come together, we come to you. Thank you for this life, as much as I have messed it up, I am in awe of your allowance of me to carry your name. Let us glorify you. In healing, in hurt, in the fire, in the quiet, in song, and near the river, in your grace, and in our sin, be magnified.

Illuminate.

Speaking Through The Harmony

What does God have to say to me lately? Well, I don't know honestly. God has never been blunt with me in the ways I would expect Him to be, or the ways I see Him with other believers. Even when I read the word, I am never sure exactly what He has to say specifically, but I do feel a lot better....well, lately at least. There is a lot to the Bible I just don't understand, probably because I don't understand the context. Rob Bell once said "If the bible were made into a movie, there is a lot I wouldn't watch" Which I couldn't agree with more. This thought reminded me of the pseudo-wise words of Stephen Colbert...then I giggled.

"Of course, just because Jesus replaces the Old Testament doesn't mean you should necessarily skip it. That would be like skipping Batman & Robin just because the story starts over in Batman Begins (Starring Christian Bale, Directed by Christopher Nolan. Coincidence?) The important thing to realize is that both the old and the new stories are about an all-powerful being trying to rid the world of evildoers, only in the new one, the Batman can eat pork. (Bat-chops!)" -Stephen Colbert, I Am America(And So Can You!)

As I sift through and try and untie what I feel God is saying I look at my circumstances. I am newly engaged, which is an incredible blessing in it of itself, I am trying to lay down Justin's loan situation (I'll explain in a bit) we will have a house full of people starting tomorrow for Amy's baby shower (yay!), I am trying to figure out the next 6 months of my life, and I feel like there are a thousand plus people I still need to call (if you are one them, I will SOON, I promise) Amidst all of what is going on, it's hard to hear God. Am I where I should be? Is he pleased with me? What do I need to work on spiritually? How can I be a better influence on the people at work? (ah and work...a whole other stress, a good one, but it's exhausting)

So, big prayer requests. Justin needs a cosigner for his school loan. It is the one thing that is keeping us from being able to make plans and just move on with things. He may have a cosigner, but it is still up in the air, and any prayer about the situation is appreciated. I know this is weighing heavy on his heart. I am still asking God to provide a car for me. I need one very soon to get to and from work now seeing as I don't work the same time as my dad anymore. Also, that work itself wouldn't wear on me so much that I am too tired to do much else. It is very demanding and I have much more responsibility now. I am very thankful for even having work, but I am still not used to this new schedule. Ok, praises! Amy's baby shower is Saturday and little Grayson is doing very well! Wedding planning is coming along very well. Justin and I have a date, December 20th! We also have gone over a budget and we have a venue and honeymoon plans and colors and reservations for our wedding night and all this time Justin has been the dream fiance, he is half of this wedding, and has been acting like it! (Also check out our wedding site!) The man is so involved I LOVE it! It is so fun talking about it and we are so chill that we are making decisions easily and quickly which is such a blessing. Ok, onto what God has been doing... :D

Io - Helen Stellar
I have started a new position at Sugarpine as the lead morning cook to Timber Mountain, a smaller, much more rustic, sister camp to Sugarpine, just up the road. I am up at 4:30 in the mornings now to be there in time to cook breakfast for anywhere between 60-120 nine to 13 year olds. Anyway, I am up and ready to go as the sun comes up, and exhausted and ready to sleep as it sets. I know all people used to have to live this way back before electricity, but there is something about it that makes me have a new appreciation for being up that early. There is a new life to the morning, a silent joy that awakens as the sun rises. I was listening to Helen Stellar on the drive to work the other day, a band who has a a sweet but melancholy sound, it's hard to describe. One of their songs, Io, was playing and I realized, my life plays out like a music video. There is a song for every mood, and that morning, it was Io. "This time around, you can be anyone" As I listened to these lyrics I just prayed. God, I don't know what you have to say to me, but today, I choose to be used by you, so that you can speak to someone else.

I have kept praying this prayer in hopes that a specific circumstance would arise...and it came. Today I was sitting with a few staff and a few camp leaders and they started to ask me about my relationship with Justin, how we met, how things progresses etc. etc. It was fun to get to share that story in depth since most of the people I know already know it and have been there to experience it with me. But here, I had an audience fully engaged in what I had to say. I walked away from that conversation feeling so blessed. For the first time I felt like our story, was a testimony. I was able to point it all back to God. It was such a blessing to realize, something as simple as our relationship, all that God had done, could bless these almost strangers to me. One older gentleman stopped me as I was about to walk away and looked me square in the eyes and told me "That just gives me hope of what real love is, you should take every opportunity you get to share that, especially to young girls, Korina. From the work God did on your DTS, to the comfort he brought you with Justin after your moms death...everything in God's timing"
Thank you Father, for being able to bless someone with this life...you have blessed mine more than I can comprehend.

I can hear God speak to me through music, through the lyrics that grab me, through the sound of creation. My feet tap to the rhythm, my voice hums to His song for me. My prayer for Justin and I, that we would be able to sing in joy to whatever song God has for us. Our lives work for your good, our voices for your smile...even if we sing off key :S

'nough said

more pics and details to come! Thank you all for continued prayers :D

The Lyrics For Today

Love is real
It is not just in novels or the movies
It is fact
And it is standing here right in front of you
So if you open your eyes
Oh what a sweet discovery
There is hope, and there is joy, and there is acceptance
So now let all of the light that collects on your plants
Keep you warm, make you smile
And I will be there with this pen in my hand
To record all the while
You'll be laughing so loud
That the house would shake with sound
And everything will be as new as the day it was found
Love is real
It is not just in long distance commercials
Or something that you thought you felt back in high school
So I will turn black and white
Become that horoscope you're reading
It predicts something good is on its way
Oh, and then I will send you the world green and blue
In a box through the mail
You can open it up, hold it right in your hand
And be glad that it's there
And be glad that you're there
Now, you can feel all the knots in your stomach start to untie
And suddenly it's not so hard to say you're all right
Love is real
It is not just in poetry and stories
It is truth, and it will follow you
Everywhere you go from now on
So if you'd just cast off your doubt
Then your lips would answer for you
Oh my darling, when you smile, it is like a song
And I can hear it now
And I can hear it now
And I can hear it now
Yes, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
Yeah, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
Yeah, I can, I can, I can
I can hear it now
I can hear it now
-Kathy With A K Bright Eyes

They're tearing up streets again.
They're building a new hotel.
The Mayor's out killing kids to keep taxes down,
and me and my anger sit folding a paper bird,
letting the curtains turn to beating wings.
Wish I had a socket-set to dismantle this morning.
And just one pair of clean socks.
And a photo of you.
When you get off work tonight,
meet me at the construction site,
and we'll write some notes to tape to the heavy machines,
like "We hope they treat you well. Hope you don't work too hard.
We hope you get to be happy sometimes."
Bring your Swiss-army knife, and a bottle of something,
and I'll bring some spray paint and a new deck of cards.
Hey I found the safest place to keep all our tenderness.
Keep all our bad ideas. Keep all our hope.
It's here in the smallest bones, the feet and the inner-ear.
It's such an enormous thing to walk and to listen.
I'd like to fall asleep to the beat of you breathing
in a room near a truck stop on a highway somewhere.
You are a radio. You are an open door.
I am a faulty string of blue Christmas lights.
You swim through frequencies.
You let that stranger in, as I'm blinking off and on and off again.
We've got a lot of time.
Or maybe we don't, but I'd like to think so, so let me pretend.
These are my favorite chords.
I know you like them too.
When I get a new guitar, you can have this one and sing me a lullaby.
Sing me the alphabet.
Sing me a story I haven't heard yet.
-My Favorite Chords The Weakerthans

Oh, my life is changing everyday,
In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams, it's never quiet as it seems,
Never quiet as it seems.
I know I've felt like this before, but now I'm feeling it even more,
Because it came from you.
And then I open up and see the person falling here is me,
A different way to be.
I want more impossible to ignore,
Impossible to ignore.
And they'll come true, impossible not to do,
Impossible not to do.
And now I tell you openly, you have my heart so don't hurt me.
You're what I couldn't find.
A totally amazing mind, so understanding and so kind;
You're everything to me.
Oh, my life,
Is changing every day,
In every possible way.
And oh, my dreams,
It's never quiet as it seems,
'Cause you're a dream to me,
Dream to me.
-Dreams The Cranberries

Lay It Down

There is plenty God has blessed me with, but my withholding from the Lord, will keep me from truly knowing Him. Tonight, I wanted to sleep, but God kept calling my name, kept beckoning me near Him. Being nearer to the light means being more exposed of all the crap I sink myself in. Lately I have gotten in the habit of being a big fat hypocrite and saying I am letting go of control, but even my prayers include "then I" or "so I". Tonight was a huge conviction of realizing, surrender is more than a prayer. I know this, and yet I avoided it, skirted around it, even preached it and didn't do it. I choose to lay it all down..will you join me?
I am surrendering it all
My future
My work
My father
My goals
My car
My finances
My ambitions
My guilt
My mom
Justin
I am laying them down before God, and I just want to encourage anyone who runs across this to take a minute to lay even what seems menial down before God. Make Him first, because His heart weeps for ours, for our hurts, our needs. He needs us as we need Him.
Today so many beautiful things happened. I can really appreciate what God is doing, by recognizing what He has done. Today God gave me many memories, one of which included a dream turned reality. I took it all in as I sat next to Justin at Sonic. There we were, an old fashioned kind of love, in the early summer, at the drive through, with our cold drinks, after a bike ride on the cruisers, listening to oldies, dreaming together. God gave us that moment. He orchestrates our dreams into reality everyday, if we can just recognize it. I will fail to recognize God's calling of my name if I do not let go of all this muck.

Here is a song that is stirring in me, if you want the mp3, I will gladly e-mail it to you :)

Jesus, All For Jesus

Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.
All of my ambitions, hopes and plans
I surrender these into Your hands.

For it's only in Your will that I am free,
For it's only in Your will that I am free,
Jesus, all for Jesus,
All I am and have and ever hope to be.

Robin Mark, Revival In Belfast

Life is something wonderful. Praise our God who forgives, who heals, who redeems. In the grand scheme of things, what I choose to stress about will not matter. I want to be an encouragement, a joy, I want to radiate, not be slanderous. There a thousand plus things I am in the dark about, that are out of my control, but the Lord will be my constant.

Love without condition

Illuminate the dark

Ketchup

So, the events of the last few weeks have been a whirlwind of something quite fantastic. Let's see, my Justin graduated Hope College in Michigan. My trip out there with Shaug and Amy was incredible. I watched with much pride as J accepted his pretend diploma ( a real one will be issued to him soon haha)

It was such gorgeous weather in Holland. We visited the "beach" there along Lake Michigan and enjoyed the quaint downtown Holland. Once we got Justin packed up we headed on the road, first stop Chicago! We made our way across the states, seeing awesome and very important landmarks like the U.S.'s only landlocked lighthouse...or the worlds largest thermometer. We got to visit out friends Steve and Shelly in Parker, Colorado and see downtown Denver. We did so much, it's hard to include everything, but it will be a trip we will never forget. The day before Justin's grad we found out his family had moved to Fresno, so he is living there now. It's hard, but we are working it out. Yesterday we celebrated our one year dating anniversary, since we were on the road for our real one back on the 10th. So, it was a day of shopping for new school clothes for J, dinner, a baseball game, and lots of wonderful conversation.
So, we could use some prayer, for some pretty big things coming up. Praise God Justin got his financial aid package from the Culinary Institute and it was much more than expected, but he still needs some money. So our prayers include, financial aid for Justin, a car for both of us, clarity on big future stuff, God's direction, our work situations, our families. Today was my final day of class so praise God for that! Also, Justin has likely landed a job at a restaurant in Fresno, so another big praise God for that. Amy is doing well and the baby is doing great, a very healthy and pretty spot on pregnancy so that is wonderful. My niece Amanda is graduating high school soon. Relay for Life turned out well, all the madness before hand paid off and it was a very healing time for me and I am sure many others.
Ok, time for some brutal honesty
I am stressed, I don't feel stressed, but my body says otherwise
I am praying about school in the fall, and just God's direction in general
I don't paint nearly as often as I used to
Shaugs heart for his family is humbling
Realizing my mom won't be around for the next few years of my life, including big things like my future wedding day, my kids, is sinking in now and it sucks
I am a huge fan travel, but a bigger fan of experiencing firsthand
Justin's ambition and willingness to do follow the Lord overwhelms me in all the right ways, I'm going to marry that man one day
I am certain now there are moments God shares with us, where we see ourselves as others do, and it can be wonderful, and it can be devastating, but in those moments I have to choose to see me as God does, despite what I now understand about myself
I am hungry for a deeper understanding of what I say I believe in
Relationships require more selflessness than I am usually willing to give
I am hungry for independence
Control over my life will paralyze me, love will make me move
Pray with the one you love, daily, it pays off
Alright, that was my random catch you up the life of Korina blog, nothing poetic for now. But I will cop out and leave you with a poetic quote

“The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing. (Zephaniah 3:17)”