It's Going to SPACE!

Traffic Lights and Dolls

Sometimes all the elements align...
Sometimes a combination of torrents of rain and wind and thunder and lightning, mixed with good mood music and thoughts of all I miss is all it takes to gain perspective... and all it takes for me lose it.
What is my deal?! Here I am completely content and happy, and as soon as I am alone in the car with the ingredients for disaster, that is all it takes. Not that my situation was any bit disastrous, in fact quite the opposite, I just realized how sensory I am. God speaks to me in His creation without a doubt, that is how I have always heard Him and probably always will. Perhaps I am the doubting Thomas that needs to touch and feel to know and understand. Part of me is a Thomas, but all of me wants to be like Christ.
This part of me that could be so sensitive really annoys me. But there is no getting around who I am. I mean I don't cry at Hallmark commercials, in fact I cry at very little, but as Justin can attest to, I am becoming more comfortable with this female side of myself. Especially the part that cares more deeply for people and relationship. Don't worry I am not about to get a hot pink convertible and dump Justin for some guy named Ken...but I am working on being a bit more honest with who I am, and I am not the girl who wanted to blend in with the guys anymore. I am learning to feel again, and there was no getting around God's tap on my shoulder tonight.
Honestly, I just really miss Justin. I know it seems ridiculous to some people, but for those that don't understand what a separation like this does to people, it wears on you. I just spent a week with zero communication with the man because he went on a mission trip as a leader, where there were no cell phones allowed. Now that may seem really trivial to some people, but it was really difficult. He is home now and we are doing better, but hey, it's still hard not to have this other half of me. He is leading us under God's calling and direction. Also, for the record, I am way happy with where we are. I know God is doing a lot in our lives during this time and for that I am eternally grateful. Also, Amy and Shaug and I are going for his grad...40 days! Side note: you know they love you when they love you all day, before make up and after. You know they love you when you can as silly and ridiculous as you were as a kid, and they act the same. You know they love you when the respect you enough to love God before you, always.
The other thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is my mom. Frankly I just miss her. That comes in waves. Some weeks aren't so bad, some are more difficult. This week was tough. I am reminded of her so much when it storms out. She would get us kids so excited when it would storm, hot coca, cinnamon toast, blankets, movies, cuddling, yeah...amazing mom! (Thanks for the cocoa Shauggy!) And she always encouraged us to just enjoy a good storm. I never remember having a fear of lightning or thunder "The angels are bowling!" "Heaven is playing a good worship song!" So there we would sit, in wonder of God's amazing power.
All these thoughts came to mind on the drive home, and as I sat at the intersection in Oakhurst, I watched the lights change colors as they reflected off the sopping asphalt. The windshield wipers moving to the beat of the music. There were no cars, and no people. It was just me in that storm, under those ever persistent changing lights, under the thousands of drops of rain crashing into my windshield. Sometimes I think of how lonely those traffic lights must get....then I remember they are just lights. This is what Toy Story did to me, made me feel bad for abandoned things that have no life. Curse you Woody!
Anyway, as I was saying, this drive home gave me perspective, I was driving home. Home. I have a home to go to, a family to meet me there. I really miss Justin, I greatly miss mom, but God is giving me what I need in the meanwhile. Including a storm to show His power. Hope for the sun, hope for tomorrow. Yeah they say it's dangerous to drive in a storm, but if you get a chance to sit in your car in the pouring rain, while listening to some truly great music, I would encourage that. No matter where you go, God will find you, even under the traffic lights blinking off and on...and off again.
This world feels lonely these days, but I would learn nothing if all I ever were was happy. I certainly have a lot to look forward to, and I do not mean to sound like I am complaining at all, in fact, I am amazed at what God blessed me with tonight. But there are slow motion moments in life...like tonight. Things can seem awful dramatic with God, and sometimes they are just simply beautiful.
I leave you with a favorite quote from a man who oddly thinks too much like I do...
“Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.”
-Jack Handy

"Smile Like You Mean It"

There are some people who are always smiling...always. Jessica Astorga, Eric Radman, Kelli Ramsay, Angelina Gutierrez, Laura Schlett...sometimes I wonder if these people just got good at faking it, the part of me that doesn't smile that often wants to believe that. But the part of me that understands that some people, though few, can maintain joy as a gift, as in they do it better than others, it is a gift.
This next week a group of college students are being led to Queens NY to minister and serve people in need of the love of Christ. Some may have that infectious smile naturally, some may need to work on it. My prayer is that this week in particular, every smile, on every face, would catch fire, that it would spread, and that the joy of the Lord would reside in their hearts in excess so they can hand it out to all the encounter.
My heart yearns for the kind of joy and discipline it takes to be that kind of person. Not just a happy person, but a radiant person, one who can hardly contain the joy of God. It takes a closeness to the heart of God to be filled like that, so I will seek Him. Today I realized I have been wrong in a lot of ways, made some dumb decisions, and been through some pretty crappy situations, but through how many of those circumstances was I smiling? Very few, if any.
I don't want my love and need for God to be dependent on my circumstance, His love for me doesn't depend on circumstance. In my yearning for this, God has placed a man in my life, and is teaching me to love for all it means. I see Justin daily put himself on the back burner, not only for myself, but for countless others, and the amazing thing is, he doesn't even realize. He is the kind of leader that steps back so that the people he leads can be the best they can be, when they need to be, for glory of God. That is why he is leading this trip to Queens, because he can lead without even meaning to, people assume his leadership. He smiles and doesn't even realize it. It is easy to love him.
We are growing and learning everyday, and in that growth, in the midst of the vulnerability, we love each other. For someone to choose to love me even after knowing all the gross, all the human parts of me, that is the kind of love only God could provide. His smile is contagious, especially his big ear to ear grin :D
Things are hard lately, it's overwhelming to look to the future, it's overwhelming to look at the week, even today, but I am smiling. I am giddy. God's peace is astounding in these circumstances, because through all of that God isn't going to gain any glory in me being a whiner.
Ok, onto the practical update stuff...
I am going to start working full time up at Camp Sugar Pine in a bit, I will update more as that happens.
Shaug and Amy are having a baby boy! (any name suggestions?)
Shaug and Amy and I are planning out a trip to Michigan in May for Justin's grad, sooo awesome!
Justin and I are thoroughly enjoying the pace at which our relationship is going, haha even amidst many marrying friends
God is opening so many doors and closing others it's exciting
Pray for Justin's trip to NY, for safety, discernment, and many many influenced lives
Still looking for a car
Pray about a peace about the Culinary Institute for Justin, that he would get his acceptance letter this week

(we are like PB&J...we decided)
I am ready for new, I am to take His open hand, I am ready
and I will smile, even if it's not my strong suit ;)

Lunchables and Jesus

I was listening to Switchfoot's song "Let that be enough" today. I love how relevant music can be...
"Let me know that you love me, and let that be enough"

Let That Be Enough - Switchfoot
I have been thinking a lot recently about my fear of man vs. my fear of God. Honestly I often fear peoples opinions of me, and that bothers me. Don't get me wrong, I like to be liked, but to let peoples opinion of me overshadow God's opinion, well something is wrong there. And since when was knowing God loved me not enough?
I was thinking the other day how much approval of your peers is etched into daily living. When I was 8, all that mattered was what kind of snack you brought to school, kids would heartlessly prod at you for bringing an apple, or in my case, a tupperware full of day old spanish rice...if you didn't have lunchables, you were poor. And so my entire existence was ruined by the fact that my parents wouldn't spend 4 dollars a day on a few crackers, imitation pepperoni, and processed cheese..with a side of corn syrup infused Hi-C. And in 7th grade I committed social suicide in my sneakers from Payless, instead of wearing the must-have Adidas with the two white stripes on the side. I wanted to be free of it, I wanted to be like this kid...

It is amazing what we choose to define us. But my fear of what people think has always been a factor to some extent of most of my decisions. The ones that seem crazy to me, those one's I didn't base on others' opinions of me, those decisions are the best I have ever made. The decision to go into YWAM, to move across the globe, that decision meant an abandonment of my fear of man. My life's path has taken many directions, but the ones I will never regret are the ones I chose on my fear of the Lord first.
I want God's love to be sufficient for me. When I feel like I haven't attained a worthy enough goal, I need to know that God still loves me, and He knows I haven't given up, or lost potential, or abandoned anything. In fact, I am just nearly beginning my call. My heart is stirring at what the Lord has in store.
I know I am good at a lot of little things, and for those things I am thankful, and they have purpose. For now, I await to be swept of in a grand adventure. "I call, You answer and You came to my rescue and I want to be where You are" God is preparing my heart for what I will do for the rest of my life, I may not know what it is, but it is going to seem crazy to a lot of people, even people I love, and that is ok. I am falling in love with my Father again, He is showing me love I never knew existed, and that kind of love intimidates people, it puts fear into their hearts. I want to encourage a fear of the Lord in the hearts of men...the kind of fear that overwhelms and sweeps you off your feet, leads you to fall to your knees in awe. God is sweeping over with His blessings.
Tonight I spent time with my wonderful family. I am amazed at the kind of love we all carry. I can't help but think of how happy mom must be to see us all together laughing and playing games with each other. There was so much joy in my heart today because of the support they are to me. I see God in each of their hearts, and I am amazed at where He has brought us. Praise God for all he is doing...I watched my nieces and nephews tonight amazed at how big they are all getting...especially the one in the oven ;)
Today I also thought of my Justin. He continues to overwhelm me with the kind of love He gives. I know He gets that kind of love from the Father, which is why it amazes me so much. I got to spend an amazing weekend in Holland with him and had just an incredible time. We had a blast ad I was reminded of all I love about him, especially his ability to be silly, and be a kid at heart without a care in the world :D His encouragement through what has been a tough few weeks has been a gift and blessing beyond explanation. The joy my heart has because of him just makes me cry. I feel so undeserving of the blessing he has been. His love is simply healing. "When the love spills over, and music fills the night, and you just can't contain your joy inside, then dance for Jesus, dance for Jesus and live" My Justin, thank you for the joy you bring. I am insanely proud of you and the hard work you have done. You challenge me to hear God's voice everyday, to seek Him, and know His heart. Thank you for that. We are getting closer honey, and God is moving in spectacular ways to get us there. I love you :)
Today was rainy, and with the clean air it brings I am breathing in a refreshing breath of air. I am thankful for God's redeeming love. I am thankful for the excitement of storms. For the unexpected blessing He brings, and the abandonment of my fear of man. I am thankful for a renewed perspective. Thank you God for the challenges you brought this week, hey even this year. Thank you for your love, it is enough..
"In my life be lifted high, in my world, be lifted high, in our love, be lifted high"