Traffic Lights and Dolls

Sometimes all the elements align...
Sometimes a combination of torrents of rain and wind and thunder and lightning, mixed with good mood music and thoughts of all I miss is all it takes to gain perspective... and all it takes for me lose it.
What is my deal?! Here I am completely content and happy, and as soon as I am alone in the car with the ingredients for disaster, that is all it takes. Not that my situation was any bit disastrous, in fact quite the opposite, I just realized how sensory I am. God speaks to me in His creation without a doubt, that is how I have always heard Him and probably always will. Perhaps I am the doubting Thomas that needs to touch and feel to know and understand. Part of me is a Thomas, but all of me wants to be like Christ.
This part of me that could be so sensitive really annoys me. But there is no getting around who I am. I mean I don't cry at Hallmark commercials, in fact I cry at very little, but as Justin can attest to, I am becoming more comfortable with this female side of myself. Especially the part that cares more deeply for people and relationship. Don't worry I am not about to get a hot pink convertible and dump Justin for some guy named Ken...but I am working on being a bit more honest with who I am, and I am not the girl who wanted to blend in with the guys anymore. I am learning to feel again, and there was no getting around God's tap on my shoulder tonight.
Honestly, I just really miss Justin. I know it seems ridiculous to some people, but for those that don't understand what a separation like this does to people, it wears on you. I just spent a week with zero communication with the man because he went on a mission trip as a leader, where there were no cell phones allowed. Now that may seem really trivial to some people, but it was really difficult. He is home now and we are doing better, but hey, it's still hard not to have this other half of me. He is leading us under God's calling and direction. Also, for the record, I am way happy with where we are. I know God is doing a lot in our lives during this time and for that I am eternally grateful. Also, Amy and Shaug and I are going for his grad...40 days! Side note: you know they love you when they love you all day, before make up and after. You know they love you when you can as silly and ridiculous as you were as a kid, and they act the same. You know they love you when the respect you enough to love God before you, always.
The other thing I have been thinking about a lot lately is my mom. Frankly I just miss her. That comes in waves. Some weeks aren't so bad, some are more difficult. This week was tough. I am reminded of her so much when it storms out. She would get us kids so excited when it would storm, hot coca, cinnamon toast, blankets, movies, cuddling, yeah...amazing mom! (Thanks for the cocoa Shauggy!) And she always encouraged us to just enjoy a good storm. I never remember having a fear of lightning or thunder "The angels are bowling!" "Heaven is playing a good worship song!" So there we would sit, in wonder of God's amazing power.
All these thoughts came to mind on the drive home, and as I sat at the intersection in Oakhurst, I watched the lights change colors as they reflected off the sopping asphalt. The windshield wipers moving to the beat of the music. There were no cars, and no people. It was just me in that storm, under those ever persistent changing lights, under the thousands of drops of rain crashing into my windshield. Sometimes I think of how lonely those traffic lights must get....then I remember they are just lights. This is what Toy Story did to me, made me feel bad for abandoned things that have no life. Curse you Woody!
Anyway, as I was saying, this drive home gave me perspective, I was driving home. Home. I have a home to go to, a family to meet me there. I really miss Justin, I greatly miss mom, but God is giving me what I need in the meanwhile. Including a storm to show His power. Hope for the sun, hope for tomorrow. Yeah they say it's dangerous to drive in a storm, but if you get a chance to sit in your car in the pouring rain, while listening to some truly great music, I would encourage that. No matter where you go, God will find you, even under the traffic lights blinking off and on...and off again.
This world feels lonely these days, but I would learn nothing if all I ever were was happy. I certainly have a lot to look forward to, and I do not mean to sound like I am complaining at all, in fact, I am amazed at what God blessed me with tonight. But there are slow motion moments in life...like tonight. Things can seem awful dramatic with God, and sometimes they are just simply beautiful.
I leave you with a favorite quote from a man who oddly thinks too much like I do...
“Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.”
-Jack Handy