On Love and Time

I sat on my porch yesterday and looked out to this million-dollar view we have here from my home. I contemplated what life will be like now. God was so good in just simply speaking to me about his perfect love, his perfect timing, his perfect will. I could listen to regret, I could live in the deluge of should-haves, but I will look on what is to be, and the glory of God in what was. I sat looking at what was right in front of me, the sun was out, there was hope to the day in that morning hour. I sat in this present time, trying not to think of what would leave me weary.

I have doubted that man could ever give perfect love, in fact, I know man himself cannot give perfect love. However, man can let perfect love move them to love to the best of his ability. I grew up in a household that reflected that perfect love. God used my mom and dad to show it to me, my mom loved with a perfect love only God could have imparted to her, she loved without condition or boundary. I am going to choose to love the way she loved, the way we see God love. It was easier to once say I wanted to love like God loves, but it is another thing to know that love and watch it leave you. I still feel her love, just not with human touch. The love she poured into me, I want to share, because it was the love of a perfect heavenly Father.

I also thought on time. God's perfect time. He does not ask me to understand His time, only to have the faith it takes to live in accordance with it. Something that helps me to understand His time is to pray for a heavenly perception, this way my own human understanding has less of a fog in an already bewildered mind. I heard a man once say

"Man knows time as linear, God knows time in seasons"

Basically God knows when a life is ripe, full, ready to be harvested. Man knows life according to days, months, and years. So once I grasp this understanding of time, I can see life through a Godly perception. I will miss my mom more each day, but I like to think on this

"Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will."

May my life honor the Lord and honor you. Thank you for teaching me perfect love and perfect time through the words of the Father.

I Will Keep Singing Mom

My Jesus I love thee
I know thou art mine
For thee all the follies
Of sin I resign
My gracious redeemer
My Saviour art thou
If ever I loved thee
My Jesus tis now

I loved thee because
Thou has first loved me
And purchased my pardon
On calvary's tree
I love thee for wearing
The thorns on thy brow
If ever I loved thee
My Jesus tis now

I loved thee in life
I will love thee in death
And Praise thee as long as
Thou lendeth me breath
And say when the deaths dew
Lies cold on my brow
If ever I loved thee
My Jesus tis now

Prayer

"It is not the only thing we can do right now, it is the best thing we can do right now" My sister told me this the other day and it really struck home for me. I was reminded that in these trying times God is not just our hope, he is our essential need, our sustenance. I will try and be as helpful as possible in keeping all of you up to date on what is going on in my life and right now, my mom is what is going on. So at the top of the "Things I Need To Blog About" list is this:

Halloween Day (October 31st) My mom went in for surgery at Stanford University Medical Center. This is one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country so we knew she would be in good hands. These doctors were planning on doing a major surgery for my mom that would include a removal of the tumor and surrounding area and a permanent colostomy. Most of my siblings, my father and I, waited in the waiting room to greet my mom after the two hour surgery.

Around 3 in the afternoon the doctor came out to speak with us. He didn't look well. My first thought was "He is out too early, God please don't tell me..." He sat all of us down and said that he opened mom up and decided he could not proceed with the surgery because her cancer had spread throughout her abdominal lining, kind of like sand, and it was too much and too far advanced for him to be able to do anything. We all sat there with our guts having just been punched out and waited eagerly for my mom to come into recovery so we could see her.

A few hours later we all talked with her and somehow, I could see, she already knew. Long story short, we talked with her oncologist and she of course recommended chemotherapy but also that it would not completely heal my mom, just prolong her life by a short while. She didn't give her a long time, but she gave her enough to get through the holidays. Of course this, to me, is just a number and time according to man is vastly different according to the Lord.

Since she had been home from Stanford she was in a progressively serious amount of pain which escalated to the point that we had to take her to the emergency room. Once there, they pumped her full of morphine and now she will be staying there through this week until we can get hospice set up for her at home. I know things are looking grim, but I have faith that whatever is in God's will, will be fulfilled.

My mom is talking with the Lord throughout the day, she is content knowing our whole family is here together for the first time in a long time, and she wants for us to remember that she belongs to the Lord, and not to us. She is praising him in this, and so should the rest of us, no matter how hard it can be to do so.

I don't know how long I have with her, but I know that the time I do have, will be spent just simply loving her and loving her children.

I really appreciate all of your prayers and concerns and if any of you have tried to contact me, please understand it is not my intention to ignore you and I know this may help you to understand more where I am coming from. I do however just plead with you all to be praying when you think of her.

This is what is consuming my life right now. Outside of this, I am pretty sure I have a job now where I will be working with my good friend Hannah at a photo imaging place here in town. I am trying to look forward to the holidays with my family and friends. Also, I have been praying about a possible option for the future as far as school and ministry and whatnot. I will keep you all posted.

Also, just a reminder, I am not writing this for your sympathy but for your prayers. I am so thankful that so many of you are concerned for us, but God is good. He is so much bigger than we like to make Him and so capable of much more than any of us could imagine.

"Keep your eyes off the water, look up to the Lord" My mom's advice for all of us :)

Silence -Blindside

They won't see the fire you have lit inside of me.

They look up to the stars and wonder where you might be.
They look up.
Without realizing they're standing in the palm of your hand.
I can't explain or understand.
I just love you.

It's common knowledge that; you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light, how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever you walk by.
Cause I still love you.

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer, cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words.

Show me

I want say thank you,
but saying is not enough

You're showing me a clock that I cannot hinder
I want to know these words are making it somewhere
You're showing me silence this winter
I want to help in a way significant
You're showing me whispers in the dark to you, make it to her quietly
I want to see you in this
You're showing me her legacy
I want you to take what is binding, twisting, and tearing
You're showing me how to heal
I want look past what is present
You're showing me what is real
I want to know what to trust
You are showing me you