....a little blind sometimes

I sat out on the deck with my notebook and an apple. I propped my feet up on the black rail and looked out over the valley before me, taking in the sun and wind and buzzing of bees. As I bit into the apple I remember what I was told once in third grade "people used to eat apples to clean their teeth Korina" said my teacher Mrs. Seymore. I remember her name to this day because of a ridiculous strategy my my mom used to use to help me memorize things. "See!" she demonstrated with her hand over her eyes as if to peer off at a far away land, "more" and made a big round ball shape with her arms. I will never forget Mrs. Seymore. She usually wore a loose floral patterned jumper with a white turtle neck, and some sort of over-sized beads around her neck that would hit her knees as she walked. I don't understand why such petite women will drape themselves in clothes so much. Oh yes, and a pin, a big colorful bejeweled pin gaudy in all it's glory. Behind her picturesque primary school teacher facade hid a sweet demeanor and ability to awaken the imagination in ways I still apply to this day on the deck.
I sat there stumped as to what exactly I would write in my composition notebook. I could jot down the days events, descriptions of the tall windy grass, the cloudless sky, etc etc, but I was bored, and part of me wanted to write down something extraordinary...you know, in case I should die and have someone find my notebook ;) So I sat....
Seymore Korina
See more Korina
See...more
I want to see more. I like to think imagination is the minds way of finding things to dream about.
Imagination should not be taken for granted. It cannot be understood by logic or lived without creativity. Imagination can be lost in adulthood and regained in boredom of all things. When there is nothing left to fix, nothing left to organize, there is the wonder of the human mind. Children have an incredible ability to create with their minds. When I gain a childlike spirit, I gain imagination, my heart can be lost in it's own story. I feel like if I can awaken my mind, I can awaken my soul, I can be fully alive, I can gain the sense of wonder I feel when I realize I am alive. Some people just need to be reminded they have a beating heart, to realize they aren't coincidence.

"Don’t ask yourself what the world needs. Ask yourself what makes you come alive and go do that because what the world needs is people who have come alive." -John Eldridge

I felt Amy's baby move last week and I heard his heartbeat the week before. Each time it is such an emotional and moving thing. I am excited and full of wonder at this growing living baby getting ready to greet us. God is creating in Amy, as I type this that baby is being shaped, and I am still reminded of the wonder of life, and my mind imagines again.

What good can I be if I am not alive? What glory can my selfish lifelessness bring God?

Thank you little one for reminding me of the wonder of life created, thank you God for the reminder of life lived.

I have to say love is a wonderful reminder of the beauty of the world. Amy was right, when you are away from the man you love the world just gets ...well kind of gray. Yes, I can still smile and engage in conversations, I can still live, but I am not vibrant. The world does bloom when I am with Justin. I finally get to see him in 15 days.

"Absence is to love as wind is to fire; it extinguishes the small and kindles the great." -Roger de Bussy-Rabutin

I daily praise God for the amazing love He has chosen to give us. There has been so much growth in our relationship over the last year, especially in our time apart. It is probably one the most difficult things I have ever done or ever will do, but the good things, the things worth waiting for were never gained without adversity. Sometimes the simple absence of him in my life is bigger than the presence of others. But I will keep smiling and singing and praising. I will continue to be fully alive in Christ, and I know that he will too. Thank you God for being my life source, thank you for giving us the realization of our imperfections, and the heart to seek our worth in you alone.

One of the very last things she told me "Keep singing Bean"
I will, I promise.

Thank you God for imagination, for the beauty of love, and the eyes to behold the wonder of Your creation.

See more.

Lost In Translation

“Prayer is translation. A man translates himself into a child asking for all there is in a language he has barely mastered.”
-Leonard Cohen

I find myself speechless when it comes to communication with God. I know there is nothing I could say that He hasn't heard. There are no songs I could sing that He hasn't had sung to Him, no poems I could recite that weren't covered in Psalms. That however, is not the point of devotion. My words can only say so much, our human languages can only express so many feelings, especially English. Yet, I will say them. I will sing these songs. My God is listening to the words I am singing but more so He is watching how my heart beats, how my soul longs for Him when I sing these songs. The minuscule words I could say to God do not even match the lack of understanding I have of Him. He reaches beyond all I know, all I have read about, all I could wrap my mind around. I ran across this older video of my nephew Anthony saying a prayer, and I wonder sometimes if this is how most prayers begin to sound to God, child like, rehearsed, like maybe your mom is making you or perhaps even genuine. Also, I can hear my moms voice again if even for a second. Either way, it reminded me of how I can tend to communicate with God, and how He still sees me in my ignorance, in my lack of understanding, as His child.

This is why I feel lost sometimes. I have never doubted my God's presence in my life, or His vastness, I do feel lost in translation however. I know when God is trying to speak to me, but I sometimes struggle with feeling like I understand what exactly He is saying. What does God ask of me? What exactly does He mean when He says that?
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is why we need fellowship, why we need the word.
I remember most of my life I would go to my mom and ask her for interpretations of my dreams, for some guidance as to what God could mean by this or that. Learning to ask others...has been difficult. I know so much of why I would go to her was because I trusted her, I trusted her walk with God. I took that time for granted. I figured I would always have her to bounce things off of. Now saying "I love you" or "I need you" I will be generous in expressing. Those that I go to for reassurance, for guidance and prayer, they play a priceless role in my life. They are my translators after the Word. I definitely cannot take for granted the wisdom of my older brothers and sisters. I look up to them so much for all they have experienced and spoken into my life. There are countless other adults in my life that have help to guide me to a closer walk with the Lord, and for them I am also incredibly grateful for.
One person I never expected to give me a new perspective was this friend of mine, Justin. He would always chime in with this view on what God had to say, in ways I never would have thought of on my own. As my friend, and fellow believer, I looked up to him in so many ways. The way he chose to lead, the way he loved his God faithfully, down to the way he always seemed so secure in his walk, secure in what God was doing. Really it became quite attractive. "There is nothing more attractive than a man who loves the Lord" my mom used to say. She also said "Korina, now I am not saying that you are going to marry Justin, but I sure hope you marry someone who loves you as much as he does" This was about five months before words were ever spoken between him and I about relationship, and only three months before she passed away. I am learning to trust that God is speaking to Justin, about our relationship, learning to let go of control, to know that God is guiding him, who is guiding us, wow. Thank you God for another translator. Yes, Justin is only human, and it is his acknowledgment of this that reassures me of God's control in our relationship. I am also reminded consistently by my Justin to go ...outside. He knows where I hear my God best, and he encourages it always..another wow. Thank you God for the blessing of this man, thank you for the patience you give us in our time apart. We keep our eyes on you, as you orchestrate this in way we never imagined.

God keep me grounded, be my life giving water. I speak to God too often of needs, and not enough of praise. Speak to me the way you always have, in the quiet song of trees and grass, in the singing of sparrows, in the rush of the stream. I will listen, this is the language I know.
So, for those of you who read this for updates in the life of Korina...here it goes :)

My last day at the Cool Bean is the 15th, and work at Camp Sugarpine is going great
I am still on the car hunt :S Getting desperate
Justin finally heard from the Culinary Institute about his admission and they extended the dates for letting him know if he got in until mid-April ...frustrating I know
Amy and Shaug and I are for sure going out to Michigan for Justin's grad, and driving him home cross country..woohoo!
I got even more financial aid! Praise God!

Prayer requests
PATIENCE in every sense of the word
For continued health of Amy and Shaug's bun in the oven :)
A car
Justin's acceptance into the Culinary Institute

Thank you again for reading :)