It's Raining, It's Leaving...Leafing..?

"Autumn, the year's last, loveliest smile."
-William Cullen Bryant

It was a dry morning, but the sky seemed to flirt with the idea of crying. Instead it decided to heave a heavy sigh over the town and release all the loose leaves barely clutching to their branches. As I drove down Deadwood, cars passing each other tossed leaves up in a furry, the road seemed as if it were in a snow globe turned upside down. (Now is a good time to listen to Passenger Seat by Death Cab for Cutie)

In this whirl of a drive home I was feeling rather accomplished for it only being 2:15 in the afternoon. I felt accomplished in life, I felt contented in what I have become, and yet anxious to begin the new season. The leaves and later the downpour of rain, reminded me of this last week I spent in Holland, Michigan. I left for the small college town so eager to see my Justin, and tried to put aside my frustration with myself for not knowing where to go from here. For the first few days I was able to set aside reality and just enjoy being there. After some time of listening to stories of where these students were, what God was doing, and spending time with Justin, I came to realize the magnificent work God has been doing in my life. I gained some perspective while I was away from work and family. It was exactly what I needed. I fell in love all over again, with Justin, with my God. I met some truly wonderful people, that I am so privileged to have met, yet kind of sad I didn't know them earlier in my life. The time spent in worship during the chapel services made me realize just how hungry I am for deeper fellowship and a church body. Anyway, in short, I didn't want to leave. (This is when I look down and smile in slow motion)

Driving in the furry of leaves, under the purple sky, I was reminded of my last week. I was reminded of the peace of Autumn evenings. I remembered what it was like to shed my life of it's leaves. I'm ready to sit back in this mellow quieted town and paint it. I'm ready to watch them fall in slow motion, to see people move in slow motion. Part of me was dreading this next month, but I will choose to approach it with a silent wonder, and remember why I loved this season before.

Choose to love.
Choose to observe.
Choose to attain your goals.
Choose to hear the symphony.
Choose to live today, sometimes it's all we get.
....and step out of your way to hear some leaves crunch under you.

What Will You Notice?

"I believe a leaf of grass is no less than the journey-work of the stars."
-Walt Whitman

When I sat in the bus station, I sat alone. Hundreds of feet, all with different shoes of different colors walked in the patterns of a shoots and ladders board across the vast, open, echoing atrium. There, in the midst of the mad scuffle, stood a lone pigeon. He stood proud as if he would call himself a dove. The one legged ragged mess of a creature stood proud, tall, and sang his song. His cooing was so soft, and he carried about him the same pride the subway singers carry, and the talented and homeless harmonica players in the park. He was not noticed by anyone, but I watched him sing tall and proud.

When I walked along the rolling green countryside, I walked alone. The sky was extravagant, plush with white clouds, painted in orange. The hills played with their shadows creating a myriad of shades of green. The sheep ran along the fence with me as I walked. Their stark white against the green made them seem even more pure. Amidst all this, there I saw him. In all the grandeur of what was around, there was a lone sheep, no bigger than a few weeks old, black as black could be, curled up under the hedge. Sleeping deeply and contently, without a care. By doing nothing, this sheep was speaking everything to me. In a world of white, of extravagance, he slept as soundly as if he were the whitest, most extravagant of them all. He slept soundly.

"There is an appointed time for everything. And there is a time for every event under heaven."
-Ecclesiastes 3:1

Mom used to tell me I had an eye for detail, which may be why it is hard for me to see the bigger picture. There is a lot of uncertainty in my life right now, but some things are certain. I certainly have an awesome future to look forward to. I certainly have love and support. And what might seem like a small detail in a whirl of a life, can make all the difference in the world, to the right person. The small details in God's plan for my life are making all the difference in getting me through the day, and eventually to where my heart longs to be. Small details, like a comforting meal, an "I love you", and even a cap gun.

I Want To Be The Dustiest

"When the effective leader is finished with his work, the people say it happened naturally." -Lao Tse

There was a point in my life I worked constantly for something I believed so deeply in. It was exhausting, it was challenging, it was fulfilling. I worked for something bigger than myself. I worked for a common goal. I was not alone in my work, and I was creating. To go from there to where I am now has been humbling to say the least. I know none of what I did was anything I did on my own, and it was a season of my life, just as this is a season. But to say I miss it would be an understatement.

Knowing you did something to benefit humanity, beyond your lifetime, something, that collectively with others, changes the coarse of history, must be a goal of all mankind. My latest goals have consisted of "Get the laundry done" "Take some more pictures" "Call the bank" etc. etc. A lot less elaborate to say the least. And my fear is that the leader I want to be is turning into a doormat. I am picking up slack and taking a lot of junk I shouldn't be. I am forgetting any vision I once had and getting lost in the everyday. Forgive my griping, it is the Moses in me.

However, there are certain things, certain situations, reminders, that there is purpose in everything. I am convinced my sole purpose for my time at West Coast was to speak into a persons life there. To let God speak through me to him in a way he had never known. If that is all I get out of the time there, that will be enough. I know God is using me to bless strangers daily one coffee cup at a time. I hope He can use me to speak into my family's lives, and help me find ways of blessing them.

I want to lead in the way I live, not in what I speak. I could speak a million words, but create change with the smallest gesture. I have become disappointed in other Christians, or rather, people who once called themselves Christians but decided to live their lives according to themselves instead. I could tell them that my heart breaks at their hurt, and their ultimate decision not to have a walk with God any longer. But it would not be heard. What would be heard, what would be recognized, is the love I give them anyway. That is what God has asked of me. I cannot fix anything, no matter how badly I may want to, I cannot. All I can do is love, and if I cannot learn do that, I can do nothing.

A true leader does not see themselves as a leader, and that is why they lead. I do not like being mistaken as a leader because I take initiative. In all actuality I am a coward, and I would rather follow, or encourage. Unfortunately, leadership comes with so much responsibility, and that scares me. But, once I can realize leading is not about me, it is God in me, He is my bold spirit, he is my strong heart, hope and vision, then extraordinary things will happen. In being a disciple I can lead without even realizing. Jewish disciples used to be known for the dust they would have on their garments from walking so close behind their masters steps. I hope that I can be the dustiest leader. Because I follow a King.

When I see other leaders in my life, truly influential individuals, I can learn how to best lead. My mom taught me hope. My dad teaches me grace. Shaug teaches me integrity. Amy teaches me selflessness. Angie teaches me patience. Justin teaches me love. Padraig taught me forgiveness. Alex taught me to be kind, just to name a few. God teaches me through them. I walk among giants. I surround myself with leaders. I hope that I learn from them. Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, haha.

On a lighter note:
It is highly likely I will get to pick up my car this week! Ah, finally, thank you Jesus. I am done at West Coast on the 30th of this month. I am going to try and get a job at Erna's Elderberry House in the bakery. I turn 21 in 12 days...woah. Relationally, I am loving being with my family who are my greatest friends. I am very much in love with my best friend Justin. I get to go to Michigan in 30 days! Ah vacation. And of course, I am baffled at the love of my Father, His wonderful creation, and the complex wonder that is man made in his image.

Adieu

-Bean

The Long Way Home

I thought about this on my drive home from her service, it was the loveliest sunset I ever saw on that drive home. Then I thought about home.

I have often found myself feeling jealous of the kids who grew up in one house. I know I would be a very different person if I didn't experience what I did in my life. Perhaps I thought of my growing up as dysfunctional, and I just wanted normalcy. I remember being bitter about the lack of consistency in our living situation growing up. But I think about it now and realize I am am much more flexible person than most. And there was consistency in my life. In my relationships, especially between my parents and myself. There was a consistency in what home was. No matter where we were, mom was sure to set up a "nest" it didn't matter how small or how long we were there, she set up that security for us, and were only all the better for it. I find myself wanting to establish a sense of home no matter where I am. Whether it be to put up a picture frame from home, or to put a milk crate on it's side and put a pretty cloth over it for a side table next to the bed, I will almost immediately "nest" make a home wherever I am. And it's amazing to me how much more comfortable I will feel in a place knowing there is a makeshift side table next to my bed.

Lately I have been thinking a lot about what I want my home to be like. And a realized I don' think as much about what I want in it, but who I want in it. I want an environment where family can come and rest, and forget about the craziness of our lives, where our daily lives are left at the door and relationships thrive. A home, where God dwells, a sanctuary in it of itself. Until that day, I have a home. Yes, I have a home now, where I feel secure, thank God. But that sense of home we all long for since we left it to be adults, that home we remember as children, I carry with me. If I can learn to let God make his home in me, I can learn to be as comfortable with myself as I am at home, when I am on my journey.

I miss home, I miss mom, she was home to me. It's my turn to create for others what she created for me. It is my turn to bless others with the sense of comfort I had. It's going to be a while before I can provide a roof and the environment I dream of, but why not provide the love I have now? That is what God has called us to after all isn't it?

Being on a journey far from home is hard, it's lonely, but there is no greater comfort than knowing out on that road there is something to come home to. While I was in Ireland I was able to rest knowing my family was home, loving on each other, and they would be there when I got back. There is nothing like the lessons learned out on the road, especially when it's a lonely road, but I am all the better a person for them.

I don't really know why this has been on my heart lately, but I can say it's a lifelong dream to have a home like the one my mom created. Things have been hard this last year, but so far, it has only become better, more like home. There is something familiar in being able to love someone. There is something like being a child again when you can laugh so hard your belly hurts, like when you did when you were little. Being able to have a conversation where you don't worry what they will think, because you know they will love you anyway, and genuinely care how you feel about something. At home, is where I can be the most real, genuine person I can be, which can be frightening at times, especially before 7 a.m. and coffee. Home, to me, has been found again. It's going to be a journey before I can have my own, but I can carry this with me now. My wonderful family, my wonderful Justin, but most of all, my God, moves me to find my way back home. And my God is all the home I could ask for.

Dream You Say?

"Dreams pass into the reality of action. From the actions stems the dream again; and this interdependence produces the highest form of living."

-Anias Nin

Thank you God for the ability to dream, and to inspire others to do so. Thank you for placing people in our lives to inspire us to go and do amazing works through the Father. My prayer today being that our dreams, lived out, would be the highest testament to the glory of our God, thus giving us "the highest form of living", because we have blessed our eternal Father.

I know for most of you reading this there are certain things you wish to attain or accomplish in your lifetime. Some things might not happen, some may already have happened, but what have you thanked God for for coming to fruition? I have found that I have lacked this quality and need to remember to thank God for what He has blessed me with, for what dreams he has made into reality.

Thank you Father God for using me to impact other people. Even though my role was small, you used me to help heal a divided nation, which I know will go down in history, my name, maybe not, but my goal, along with thousands of others, helped change the coarse of history for that nation, ALL because of you.

Thank you Father God for love. For the ability to love, for the sacrifices that come with love, that reach far beyond my capacity to do so. Thank you for giving me the love I will need to share with others. Thank you for giving me someone who loves me, the way you intended. For making that man, a man of God, with your hand over him.

Thank you for your healing. Thank you that you bring all that is needed and then some to bring this family into your loving embrace. Thank you for the reminders of the bigger picture, and the healing that brings. Thank you for filling the emptiness that was left after her on a daily basis.

Thank you for forgiveness. Teach me everyday the grace that you give, unconditionally.

Maybe these things will spark what you are thankful for, but most of all, that it helps you to dream of even more of the things that God wants to bless us with. Even though I am so undeserving of all He has given, I am so excited to know He has even more for us.

So, prayer requests-

That I would not be anxious, but that patience would take it's place.

That Justin would gain some clarity on some big decisions he has coming up. And for clarity for Ben and Hannah

That God would open a door for the car situation

That's all for now folks ;) Send your prayers this way too!

So Long Soothsayer

"As for the future, your task is not to foresee it, but to enable it"
-Antoine de Saint-Exupery

How convenient it would be to have all the answers...and how uneventful life would be. Life can be bittersweet, and it throws you curve balls, it can be adventurous, and it can be mediocre, it can be survived, or it can be fulfilled. People are inconsistent and one thing remains. There is one constant, one thing in which we all all orbit. The Son of God has proved himself over and over to man, and yet we still flurry about in a wild chase around the only steady place in all creation.

In all my meandering I have found myself returning to the calm, centered, and understanding place before God. He must be my only comparison, my only judge, my only justice, He must be what I reflect, or I will reflect something else. In this quiet place I often find myself realizing the blueprint in which I wanted so badly to know would make me miserable. I also often realize God speaks to me in the way I would best hear it.

So, from here, I will pick up myself up from the bootstraps, and follow in the dust of my teacher. I will not know where it is I will go, but I will go. I will not let fear hinder where I go, or what I do. I will take in all He has given me to prepare me for this journey. I will let the prophets and soothsayers return to their crystal balls, I will leave the critical remarks to sit in the laps of those who make them, and focus my attention on God alone, instead of the water.

Thank you for placing the people in my life I will need most, and making this your story, instead of mine. Also, thank you for music, for giving me something to dance along to behind you :)

Daisies

“To pay homage to beauty is to admire Nature; to admire Nature is to worship God”

I am not really sure if this post will have anything to do with daisies, but I saw them as I typed the title, and to be honest, it was the first word that came to mind. I have eight fiery gerbera daisies snuggled in a cobalt blue vase at the foot of my bed, They look like the sunrise. They have begun to bow their heads one by one, day by day, until now. Today they have all decided to take their end. They are all hunched over as if to say "Aannnd scene!" They had a brilliant performance they day they were brought into my work. They were carried in by a dashing gentleman to my surprise and I have woke to their smiling faces every morning since. I was thinking about how brilliant an invention flowers are, how electric they can be.

I don't know what happened the other day at work, but it was as if I had this rude awakening. I was trimming trough pictures and I looked up and said to myself "I have to go" It was really bizarre. I got such a feeling of anxiousness. It was almost as if I was saying to myself "Aannnd scene!" It was very matter of fact, very absolute. Now I didn't just up and walk out of the place, but I did not feel a hold to it any longer. I don't know if this was a release from the Lord, or what it was for that matter. But it was a release. Maybe I have just been working too much. But I would say I am ready to take on whatever the Lord brings. I am ready to do and go where he asks. Even if it means to go nowhere. I am learning to be content where I am, and realizing life is my ministry, wherever I am. I am learning to be brilliant, to be electric. And there is no way I get to bow my head, until I have fulfilled my purpose.

I have found something else in my life to be something of a brilliant sight. The dashing gentleman of whom I spoke of earlier was of course Justin. I am learning so much from him. I am learning to remember to recognize his love as a reflection of God's love. It can be easy to lose track of what something like what we have is. It is a gift from the Lord, and we need to acknowledge it as such. We are learning to give credit where credit is due. God has really used Justin to show me the kind of love from God I need. God is comforting, gentle, honest. I know God is going to continue to move in our relationship, and I am so blessed to know He is the center of what we are. God make us electric.

I have also noticed this week how splendid the Earth is. How overwhelming my thoughts become when I think of the balance of it all. The worship the winds create, the scent of those daisies are their song to the Lord. The poeple of this earth, when they love eachother, they are magnetic. How great our God must be to take in all that moves, all that breathes, all at once, and observe what He is has created. I wonder too, if he is still in awe at his creation, or if he weeps. I know there is good left in this world, there is beauty in simplicity. I know there are troubles, but but is there enough love, enough good still that He can hear the worship amidst the shadows? I think sometimes of the memory of my mom, and I feel that hurt, but it is amazing how much better I feel just after spending time by her tree next to the creek. I am convinced she could hear the Lord speak in the sound of the water running over the stones in that creek. I can too, if I can learn to be quiet enough. Thank you God for the extravagance of your creation, and how it heals.

Those daisies are sleeping, I should too. Thats all for now :)

Bring It On Everyone!

So here's a quickie update -

Ok, all of you who know me well, bring on the commentary. I can't tell you how much I have already heard "I knew it", "It's about time", and even "Duh"

My wonderful friend of a long time, Justin, and I are now dating, I couldn't be happier :D For those you who haven't met him yet, he is a amazing man of God, gets my humor, and has a great relationship with my family, loves the Office among many many other things that make me just adore him (so kinda perfect huh?!) Haha, and yes everyone was much more aware than I, the queen of oblivious, but we have been praying about it together for a while and we are really stoked to see where God is taking us.

That's all, and I know those comments are all out of love ;) Mom I know you are just giddy about it haha it's starting to rub off on me. And I give in...you were always right!

P.S. Thank you all who have prayed for us, keep 'em coming!

Life In Fast Forward

Sooooo life is going by and I would like to take it in. Work keeps me busy and new things are coming quickly. I guess the only way for me to absorb it all is to write about it.

In the last month I have started working at the Cool Bean Cafe while still working at West Coast Imaging. It is great work and will help me get the upper hand in saving for a car...which yes, I still don't have. Summer is fast approaching and I will need a car for all that is to come!

If you could be praying for my friend Hannah who is having some medical testing done, but cant drive until she gets some more answers. So, prayer for her health and for some answers. Until she gets the clear from her doctors I will keep driving her to and from work and other places, so it's working out well in that aspect at least.

Some more prayer requests might be for my family, and for my dad, that God would bring healing for us, and draw us closer together. And for me, that God would give me the strength I need to keep on keeping on. I appreciate all your prayers already. I have come to value them like the air I breathe.

This summer has a lot coming, concerts, ball games, hiking, weddings galore, relay for life and some other new things....I'll let you know as they come :) But I am so grateful for the opportunities God has given me.

So I have some things I have been grinding away on. One being that I have thought a lot lately about how people change so much between 18 and 25. I sometimes wonder what has to happen during that time in someone's life to make them strive to be the person they will be for the rest of their life. But then I realized something. Certain people are more prone to personal development in their character than others, everyone matures as they age (we should hope to a certain degree) but I think some people develop more quickly than others, while others take a while. I don't want to be the person that takes forever to get there, if that makes any sense. I have a lot of things I want to do in my life as God wills it, but I don't want to watch it pass me by. What if I miss that window? Then I remember that is not my problem, my job is to listen, I will live a full life, I will get to do what makes me happy. I can see it starting to happen already.

It has been a while since I have been this busy and this happy at the same time. I have so much joy because I can think of my future now as something to look forward to. Even a few months ago it was hard to think a day ahead, but life is meant to be lived, not survived. I have come to really love nights at home with Amy and Shaug, and having the family over for dinner. I recently went on a hike with Hannah, Ben and Justin and then we all had dinner together, it was probably one of the nicest weekends in a long time. Oh also, Justin is home! So this marks the start of a great summer, and really great things to come. This is me living, which sometimes feels like fast forward. I just want to absorb it, appreciate it, and love it and the Lord to the fullest.

I do have my moments that go by in slow motion, they are few and bittersweet and keep me from going too fast. They are the moments I think of mom. The other day I heard this song, she used to say "Here is your song bean!" when it would come on and now I think of her every time I hear it. She loved it, and it is her to me. Love you mom, Happy Mothers Day soon :)

Let's Hear It For Wearing A Sun Dress All Day

Summer nights have certain elements, different colors that we don't really recognize, but once they are all put together they create a summer night and should include the following:

A screen door with the sliders open
Crickets
Iced tea
The sound of water slapping the hull
Box and ceiling fans
Twinkle lights on the deck
Laying on the grass under starry skies
Bare feet
Driving home with the windows down (penny and pringle surfing)
A radio on low
Ice cream cones
Sleeping under a single sheet
Serenades
Hearing the rolling waves without being able to see them
Bonfires

I can't wait!

The Torrent and The Gust

There is a tide coming in.
The thing about tides being, they are powerful, they are inevitable.
I think this is the only way for me to describe what I am going through. I know what to expect, and it is far beyond my control, it is intimidating, and it is needed. I need to keep living, and I am going to have to learn how to live life without her. I am going to have to let it pick me up and take me. I am going to have to be immersed in it, and it is going to consume me. It is frightening and powerful and it is cleansing. I have to let it take me, because to fight it is to deny, and to deny is to lie to oneself.

The ocean is vast, it is dangerously ravishing. I want to know that kind of beauty, it is a pure reflection of the power and beauty of God. Until I allow myself to be cleaned and healed and consumed, can I live in this life with such beauty that reflects our maker.

There is a gust sweeping through.
The thing about gusts being, they are powerful, they are inevitable.
The wind that is traveling though these mountains are sweeping into my room. They are going to carry me to see new things. When such winds beat upon something they shape it like the hands of God. They are soothing and magnificent like our maker. We gain more wisdom when can learn to let the wind carry us than to try and push against it. I have tried standing against the wind, but have learned more when I saw where it took me.

The mountains are strong and mighty, they have been shaped and molded by the forces of this earth. Forces our God has created. I want to be strong as these mountains, bold as they are bold, and new as they are new.
Spring has blanketed this place, and with this torrent and gust I will start new, I will be born again.

Use Me Here - Everybodyduck

Use me here, where I am
I am not going to pray anymore that you'll change your plans
Despite my fear, I've placed my life in your hands
The future can wait
Tomorrow might be too late
I'll lay my hearts desires at your feet oh Lord
Take all the plans I've made and all my dreams
Blinded by the triumphs of tomorrow
I've let sin control today
So many drowning within reach
Father it's time you heard me say
Use me here, where i am
I'm not going to pray anymore that you'll change your plans
Despite my fear, I've placed my life in your hands
The future can wait
Tomorrow might be too late
So Jesus use me here
I tell myself I want to know your will oh Lord
Still I confess I've had plans of my own
But from now on I plan to listen to your will and to obey
No matter what the future holds
I'm gonna live for You today
Use me here, where I am
I am not going to pray anymore that you'll change your plans
Despite my fear, I've placed my life in your hands
The future can wait
Tomorrow might be too late
So Jesus use me here

This song has really driven me this week. I think I just need a constant reminder of God's purpose. And it can be discouraging when you feel stuck, but like I said this song has really helped me keep my eyes "off the water" and then I saw this video and for some reason it struck me as so beautiful, and someday I will go into depth as to why it relates to me and my situation, but for now just enjoy it like I have.

A Moment of Good

As of yesterday, I have returned from my grand adventure in the Great White North. Yes, I went to Canada. I had a wonderful reunion with some of my DTS buddies. We had such a great time just laughing and enjoying each other's company. I got to tour Toronto and see Niagra Falls at night, all lit up. I also got to experience the frigid temperatures that come with the whole experience :) These girls sure know how to love. I was so blessed to spend that time just relaxing and taking in a memory I will carry with me for a long time. I returned home to a bit of a frustrating family situation. I won't go into detail but I will say that it was enough to really frustrate and bother me.

So, yesterday I found myself just taking in what I felt was a bit overwhelming. I got to talk with a wonderful friend, which lifted my spirits. It was one of those conversations you walk away from with your mind still chewing on all that you talked about. Which leads me to today. Today I have found myself challenged to examine what I know about where I am in my walk with God.

So far, I know that God is intimate with me. He is gentle and awe inspiring with His power. I got to thinking about certain moments we gain when we are in a relationship with the Lord. I don't really know how to describe these moments, but I know they surpass time and circumstance. I know that these moments come at a time unexpected.

I was listening to a speaker once who tried to describe such moments. He said that they are recorded in all cultures of faith. They are "moments of heavenly perspective" that men of faith experience which requires all of that persons being, all senses, all attention. I can only describe these moments as a time in which man is able to step outside of his person and take in a moment of time that God has provided. I am not saying this is an epiphany, but rather an instance in which we can see into the spiritual realm where it is unmasked and we gain a sense of understanding to the heart of the Lord. After which comes this sweeping sense of peace.

So, I have been praying that these moments of good, of truth, would occur more often in my life. I know that this requires a level of commitment on my part that I sometimes am hesitant to fully hand over to God. This also means that the enemy will try to attack with every chance he can. Knowing this, I am fully ready to take what comes with having this perspective. I am also aware that with this perspective and understanding comes truth. Truth, which can be heartbreaking. So, I pray also that God gives me a heart to take in truth, for all it is worth.

The Lord has blessed me with a family and friends that love unconditionally, and through them I also gain these moments of good. God works through men, and He is stirring something quite extraordinary as we speak. I want to work on spending more time in fellowship with other believers, chewing on the word, challenging each others beliefs and examining my walk on a daily basis.

To be held accountable is to be loved.

Thank you so much for loving me, for challenging me, and for making me a better person for it.

You Were Young Once

Not too long ago I filled my tub with hot water and pearly bubbles. I rested back with bubbles up to my nose, looking at the tips of my toes under the faucet. Drop by drop the faucet slowly washed the bubbles off my toes. I thought back to how as a child my mom would fill a hot bath for me on a rainy day, and bring in a towel from the dryer. Something in me smiled that day. Some things, I believe, are too beautiful not share with others. This brief time of recaptured comfort was one of those moments. As I sat back I thought of the love that went into all those tubs. I thought of the love I was soaking in as a girl, and the love I was soaking in now. I drew that tub for myself, I put in the soapy goodness, I set out a towel, and listened to the rain. And somehow, it was if someone else did it all for me.

I feel that I have learned a lot this last week. I learned new truths that blessed me and new ideas that inspired me. I feel God's love because I choose to recognize it. Some words, I find, don't stick as strongly as others. But one loving word or gesture can cover many painful. And for that I am thankful. God is working in the hearts of man. He is drawing us in with these truths, this love. And He is using what can sometimes seem like the most unlikely of people. Perhaps God will open your eyes through the words of a stranger, or maybe a faithful pastor, or close friend. Maybe not through a person at all. Either way, He will get through to you.

Also, may I say (I may actually this is my blog, so why the heck not right?) that God loves us too much to keep us from the desires of our hearts. When our desire is to serve the Lord and have His will be done in our lives, we won't step out of His will. Even if we do mess up, and go in the wrong direction, the worse that could happen is that God would close the door, it wouldn't work out. God will make it abundantly clear when we are out of His will. So, don't let your fear of man keep you from your fear of God. God is an adventurous God. He is exciting. He will move miraculously, whether you choose to recognize it as miraculous or not.

He may even use bubbles to show you, maybe the rain, or an old friend.

On This First Day of the Year

Today I went sledding, snow crunched under my feet and the sun reflected on it, and then into my eyes. It was a beautiful day for such an activity. So, on that note, the year began. My hope is that this year will be entirely different than the last. I hope that I love, that I listen more, that I write more, that I acquire a desire for silence. I hope that this year I give God all credit for the day and all that is in it.

I am writing today out of need rather than desire. I am actually very tired as of right now, but then, who isn't still feeling the effects of last night? Ha. There is so much that I just feel like I need to say and yet I feel like it is not the time, but God has promised me the opportunity. For now I will say that I am living with a promise from the Lord, for clarity, an acceptance of what He wants to share with me, which includes His love, a new perspective, a heart of joy and encouragement.

I have a sense deep in me that for some reason this year will be extraordinary, something to look forward to. There will be hard things, but lets be honest, it seems as if life could only get better from this point on, especially after this last year. So, Lord I am ready to see what you will show me, I am ready to move where you take me, love who you place in my way, and take in what you have given in grateful reflection and humility, God make me this person, make me like you.

I am really thankful for many things but mostly for a sense of perspective, especially right now. Thank God for His view on the hearts of men rather than my own, for His love rather than my own, for his joy in place of my own.

I would like to thank all of you who read this, and for your prayers. As far as daily life is concerned, work is going well, call me a dreamer but I am still thinking of where I will be next year, how different things will be. I have the quiet moments at work to think of such things. I love living with Amy and Shaug, and have come to realize I wouldn't do well living alone :)

So, to all of you out there who need prayers, let me know what I can be praying for, and I will absolutely be sure to bring it before the Lord as well, thus another realization I have had...pray more!

Well I am done babbling.

Adios!

p.s. Congratulations Kim, oh how I love thee :)

Christmasly?

So what is is Christmasly anyway?

There is this feeling you get, it starts around mid-December and it is one of the hardest things to describe, but I will do my best. I don't want to call it the "Christmas Mood" because I think it embodies more than that. It is familiar, it is part excitement, part anticipation. It is a feeling of warmth, wonder, and comfort. It is a collection of memories, traditions, and love at it's deepest. This is my best to describe that feeling. It seems as though it is stronger at a younger age and has slowly faded as I have gotten older. Man, what a tragic thought. How do you capture that? I have found that certain things put me back in that comforting place, mostly scents. Certain smells obviously bring it back, pine, vanilla, spices etc. Certain sounds, the murmur of voices and conversation mixed with laughter and clamoring dishes help bring it back.

And at last I answer my question. I like to think of it like music. As a child we have this ability to turn on, without hesitation, without any doubt we jump right to the chorus. We love without boundary, feel without doubt, we are so sure of things. We are sure there is a chorus to begin with, we are sure there will be gifts under the tree in the morning and things seem invincible, especially our parents. As we grow, so does our appreciation for detail, we are far less sure of things, and so much more aware of the happenings outside of our realm of self. I think that we long for that feeling because we created it as children in our innocence and as we grow beyond ourselves we see what goes into it is so beyond the simplicity in which we created it to be. So as adults, we listen to the whole song, from the lull of the orchestra tuning, right up through to the cadence. We see the whole picture that this time of year embodies. So I can choose to see it for all it is good for and relish the memories I do have, or see this as moving on. I choose good, I choose happy, I choose to feel Christmasly.

On Love and Time

I sat on my porch yesterday and looked out to this million-dollar view we have here from my home. I contemplated what life will be like now. God was so good in just simply speaking to me about his perfect love, his perfect timing, his perfect will. I could listen to regret, I could live in the deluge of should-haves, but I will look on what is to be, and the glory of God in what was. I sat looking at what was right in front of me, the sun was out, there was hope to the day in that morning hour. I sat in this present time, trying not to think of what would leave me weary.

I have doubted that man could ever give perfect love, in fact, I know man himself cannot give perfect love. However, man can let perfect love move them to love to the best of his ability. I grew up in a household that reflected that perfect love. God used my mom and dad to show it to me, my mom loved with a perfect love only God could have imparted to her, she loved without condition or boundary. I am going to choose to love the way she loved, the way we see God love. It was easier to once say I wanted to love like God loves, but it is another thing to know that love and watch it leave you. I still feel her love, just not with human touch. The love she poured into me, I want to share, because it was the love of a perfect heavenly Father.

I also thought on time. God's perfect time. He does not ask me to understand His time, only to have the faith it takes to live in accordance with it. Something that helps me to understand His time is to pray for a heavenly perception, this way my own human understanding has less of a fog in an already bewildered mind. I heard a man once say

"Man knows time as linear, God knows time in seasons"

Basically God knows when a life is ripe, full, ready to be harvested. Man knows life according to days, months, and years. So once I grasp this understanding of time, I can see life through a Godly perception. I will miss my mom more each day, but I like to think on this

"Missing someone gets easier everyday. Because even though it is one day further from the last time you saw each other, it is one day closer to the next time you will."

May my life honor the Lord and honor you. Thank you for teaching me perfect love and perfect time through the words of the Father.

I Will Keep Singing Mom

My Jesus I love thee
I know thou art mine
For thee all the follies
Of sin I resign
My gracious redeemer
My Saviour art thou
If ever I loved thee
My Jesus tis now

I loved thee because
Thou has first loved me
And purchased my pardon
On calvary's tree
I love thee for wearing
The thorns on thy brow
If ever I loved thee
My Jesus tis now

I loved thee in life
I will love thee in death
And Praise thee as long as
Thou lendeth me breath
And say when the deaths dew
Lies cold on my brow
If ever I loved thee
My Jesus tis now

Prayer

"It is not the only thing we can do right now, it is the best thing we can do right now" My sister told me this the other day and it really struck home for me. I was reminded that in these trying times God is not just our hope, he is our essential need, our sustenance. I will try and be as helpful as possible in keeping all of you up to date on what is going on in my life and right now, my mom is what is going on. So at the top of the "Things I Need To Blog About" list is this:

Halloween Day (October 31st) My mom went in for surgery at Stanford University Medical Center. This is one of the most prestigious hospitals in the country so we knew she would be in good hands. These doctors were planning on doing a major surgery for my mom that would include a removal of the tumor and surrounding area and a permanent colostomy. Most of my siblings, my father and I, waited in the waiting room to greet my mom after the two hour surgery.

Around 3 in the afternoon the doctor came out to speak with us. He didn't look well. My first thought was "He is out too early, God please don't tell me..." He sat all of us down and said that he opened mom up and decided he could not proceed with the surgery because her cancer had spread throughout her abdominal lining, kind of like sand, and it was too much and too far advanced for him to be able to do anything. We all sat there with our guts having just been punched out and waited eagerly for my mom to come into recovery so we could see her.

A few hours later we all talked with her and somehow, I could see, she already knew. Long story short, we talked with her oncologist and she of course recommended chemotherapy but also that it would not completely heal my mom, just prolong her life by a short while. She didn't give her a long time, but she gave her enough to get through the holidays. Of course this, to me, is just a number and time according to man is vastly different according to the Lord.

Since she had been home from Stanford she was in a progressively serious amount of pain which escalated to the point that we had to take her to the emergency room. Once there, they pumped her full of morphine and now she will be staying there through this week until we can get hospice set up for her at home. I know things are looking grim, but I have faith that whatever is in God's will, will be fulfilled.

My mom is talking with the Lord throughout the day, she is content knowing our whole family is here together for the first time in a long time, and she wants for us to remember that she belongs to the Lord, and not to us. She is praising him in this, and so should the rest of us, no matter how hard it can be to do so.

I don't know how long I have with her, but I know that the time I do have, will be spent just simply loving her and loving her children.

I really appreciate all of your prayers and concerns and if any of you have tried to contact me, please understand it is not my intention to ignore you and I know this may help you to understand more where I am coming from. I do however just plead with you all to be praying when you think of her.

This is what is consuming my life right now. Outside of this, I am pretty sure I have a job now where I will be working with my good friend Hannah at a photo imaging place here in town. I am trying to look forward to the holidays with my family and friends. Also, I have been praying about a possible option for the future as far as school and ministry and whatnot. I will keep you all posted.

Also, just a reminder, I am not writing this for your sympathy but for your prayers. I am so thankful that so many of you are concerned for us, but God is good. He is so much bigger than we like to make Him and so capable of much more than any of us could imagine.

"Keep your eyes off the water, look up to the Lord" My mom's advice for all of us :)