My baby you'll be

You are just what I need

You are

I know there is no end

to the depth 

of who you are

You make me feel like all kinds of lovely

The things you want for me make me cry

I want to make sure you know

I could never give you all you deserve

But I can love you 

I know you think I am stunning

Even when I am not 

I know 

I love our life together, even when I whine about it 

And I have never loved you as much I did today 

Tomorrow is a different story. 

I hope you know I loved even before I met you

9 years ago this November 

Falling for you was the best thing I ever couldn't help doing

And I still want to know all of you 

I always will

Come Fall, Come All

I don't know what my deal is lately...but I am so over this summer kick. I am ready to wear the better half of my wardrobe (the more feminine, put together, cold weather half) I am ready to not have to feel sticky all the time and out of whack with our schedule. The things I am most looking forward to this next season...
More cuddling
Our fireplace
Boots!
Soups for dinner
Getting most weekends off with my hunk of a husband
So long externship!
Cozy-ing up our already cozy home
Baking without passing out from heat exhaustion
The scenery ...see:

ahhh...so soon.

For now I am looking forward to working full time again, and visiting my original home town: Avalon :D Come swiftly fall, no one appreciates you like I do. I'll bake you chocolate chip cookies, and we can admire this guy together ;)

Twenty-Four

 

This song is for you J

You were born at 7:47 pm on July 24th, 1987

And you turn 24 today...your golden birthday!

Twenty-four years ago today God invited you into the world, into a world I was about to join too. He created you to be exactly who you are today, and yet still continuing to grow into the man of God you desire to be in your heart.  I cannot imagine this world without you in it. 

You have accomplished so much in your life. For each year of your life you have been many different things to many different people, but you always were my husband, even before we met. God has been doing a work in your heart since that joyful day twenty-four years ago, and it not something to be ignored. I am daily floored at the man you are. Thank you for daily seeking a relationship with the Lord and leading us in our marriage. 

Twenty-four years from now, we can celebrate the man you will be then, and I am so excited to know the you in twenty-four years. But right now, right now you are exactly who you should be. You have made people strive to be something better, something more like Christ, because they see God reflected in you. You lead as an amazing example, who a husband should be, who a man of integrity should be, what a son should be and a brother, what a man of humility is. 

 

Your views of life and your goals have changed, what you deem important, who you associate yourself with, all have changed. But the tender, strong, faithful heart of yours is the same, only growing.

Thank you for falling in love with me when I was at my dorkiest and thank you for waiting for me. Thank you for taking me with you. 

Here is to you my J. 

I love you

BFFs

 Thank you for staying up till 3 a.m. with me the night before I left for Ireland, and making me laugh so hard I almost wet myself

 Thank you for being 52 and still wanting to have legitimate sleepovers with me, sleeping bags, awful B-rate horror movies and all
Thank you for being genuinely happy to see me every time I walked in the door, even if I looked awful and had mascara running down my face

 Thank you for always sharing your great insanely ecstatic opinion about Justin, even though I rolled my eyes
Thank you for encouraging me to do anything I wanted, even if it was ridiculous

 Thank you for laughing at my awful jokes and impressions, and crying because you were laughing so hard
Thank you for always wanting to have a cup of coffee with me, even if it was midnight 

Thank you for being my best friend, even if you were my mom



I miss you

-Kori-do

Being The Help While Being The Awesome

Three of my favorite comments this month:
  1)    "So what do you do?"
         "I am a nanny full-time"
         "That's...interesting...do you at least have a degree?"
2)     "Wow, you look like a girl with your hair down"
3)     "Honey....I love you so"   

Needless to say, my husband has kept me sane these last few months, especially from the brutally elite of this area.

Ok everyone get excited! I am all kinds of sophisticated now! In the last few weeks alone I have:

Participated in a food and wine pairing
Joined a book club
Eaten at a real life Michelin Star rated restaurant (the kind you spend your mortgage  on dinner)
Attended (albeit at most an hour) a daisy scout party with all the Tennisplaying-tan-tooskinnytohavehadthreekids-velourtracksuitwearing-supermommies
And of course...joined a women's bible study (I know, my mother is rolling in her non-existent grave)

BUT I think the fact that I have also:

Eaten ice cream at 9 am
Changed approximately 80 diapers this month... give or take a couple hundred
Done this to my hair
Jumped shamelessly on a trampoline with a bunch of 5-9 year olds
And let's not forget the fact that my husband and I go thrifting quite often but can you blame us?! I mean....come on!

Kind of defeats the purpose doesn't it?
Oh well, I would still prefer to be this person

Over these people

 All that to say, I love who I turned out to be and I can confidently say it was all God's fault ;) My husband loves me because of it and  to all those in this area who glare at me walking down main street with a baby that is not mine (which they clearly assume she is), well ya'll can just DEAL WITH IT. I am fancy when I need to be (but let's be honest....who needs fancy when you can have awesome?) and down to earth when I want to be.

I am crazy in love with my God
madly head over heels for my husband
and no longer dealing with the sass of those who feel I don't belong.

On paper, there isn't much is almost nothing to say about me, but don't let that fool you. I am an intelligent, dare I say, beautiful woman of God and I have an entire life to live. I don't know where I am going next but I know Justin will be there. And I know my mom is proud of me. Most importantly I know my God is proud of me (even when I suck A LOT) Being where we are has been humbling to say the least ("sweetheart you are so sweet but this event is for parents ...not the help" -comment while attending a recital for the little girl I take care of) , but I laugh Every. Day. and I am well loved. I sadly can't say the same about those around me.

Everyone needs the Lord....even the wealthy.

even me.

random tip: visit this site often for AMAZING recipes and down right awesomeness from our food blogger and friend, Jenna!

For Justin's Sake

I have decided I am well overdue for a good blog post. I know he checks daily to see if I have posted anything, and for once, I have.

Justin and I have been married a year (Dec. 20th) and I am not doing justice to the year by calling it anything short of wonderful. I have learned so much and drawn so much closer to this man of God.

I watch Justin come home exhausted from a long day at school. I am so blessed to see him fulfilled in what he is doing, all by the grace of God. I go to work and come home tired but I think we both come home with a sense of pride in our day. Yet still, I feel like he has done more, worked more, cared more, and for this, I am jealous. Justin pour everything into what he does, no matter how insignificant it may seem and I know he is doing it for God and for our future and it is this selfless ambition that astonishes me. I have so much to learn from him. I hope one day I grow up to be just like him.

I have been collecting (very slowly) wedding pictures and editing them so that we can have an actual wedding album. As I go through these memories I come to tears at how absolutely beautiful our day was. I have never so close to God and His blessing for our lives. “I must have done something right” I think to myself.

I don't know if most people understand what our love is like because I don't know of many people who chose to do things the way we did (with the exception of those in our lives who helped set the standard). It is so hard to try and explain to people in my life who ask for my time that I “need to talk to Justin about it” or how if I haven't seen him for 14 hours my heart actually feels like it is breaking. We need each other, now more than ever. This gift, this man, is so far out of my league. I am speechless every morning to see him there “Father thank you so much for this man I don't deserve”

He is my best friend and knows me so well. I look forward to more crazy nights in making absolutely fantastic dinners, baking yummy desert, watching movies on our big tv, going for walks along the vineyards, playing video games until the console tells us “we noticed you have been playing nonstop for a while, maybe a 10 minute break would be good for you” (true story) or just listening to music loudly on a road trip.

People ask us a lot if we need “our space” or we “get tired of each other” and they are like shocked when we say “no”. If we have free time (which isn't often) we spend it together. We WANT to spend it together. I cannot wait to get home to see him and when he comes in the door he eagerly finds me.

YES, we do argue and have different opinions about things, but the good far FAR outweighs the bad.

Justin prays over me, over us, every night. He still opens my door for me. He still looks at me from across a crowded room. He makes me laugh so hard at just how SILLY he is. He dances slowly with me when we are alone. And THIS is why I am so in love. ALL these things and more make up what a perfect husband he is. Not a perfect man, but a perfect husband.

I am overwhelmed at his love. And I know, when we have lived our lives, I will have lived mine loving him, every day.

Only you called me "Kori-do"

You asked me once what I wanted to be when I grew up. I said,
"I wanna be like you momma! ...What do you want to be like when you grow up mom?"
"I want to be like you Kori-Do"

The smell of cinnamon and vanilla
The sound of all of my siblings laughing
Watching you baste the turkey while you looked up and winked at me
Tia making fudge while you and her made fun of Grandma Ruth
Cousins in the garage playing video games
Uncles, nephews, nieces riding dirt bikes, playing board games, watching movies
Praying as a family, in thanks, for the blessing God gave us of family

These are things I choose to remember momma. This is how you belong in my heart.  I hope someday I can create the kind of home you did, they way you did, with my own family, my husband, and one day our kids. I miss you so much, and I am thinking of you everyday. -Your Bean, Kori-Do

This is what it must be like

I am officially a full time nanny. 6 different kids, 3 families, one me. I am so happy that I can do this full time. I am excited to go to work for the first time in...well, a long time. I am so excited to see where God takes me in this new journey and just how I can impact each and every one of these kids. I have an awesome schedule that gives me the weekends and holidays off. I can also pretty much make my own schedule. But the best thing yet are these kids. This is what it must have been like for my mom (well, the running around and watching kids part, not the time off part)

I am watching seven month old Audrey three days a week into the afternoon. She is getting bigger everyday and still acts like my little monkey. Occasionally I watch Audrey's older siblings, eight year old Kai and 5 year old Dylan. They are such great kids and I definitely am so blessed to be involved with their family. I am now watching Henry, a big eyed, Australian, three year old who LOVES his trains. I watch him in the afternoons five days a week. I am SO excited to get to know him and go on many adventures with his adorable little self. I am also watching six year old Joshua twice a week after school. I can't wait to see all he will teach me.

So, I have come to realize these kids, they are what I was meant to do. I get up and think of the things we can do that day, what they will all start to learn and how I can love on them the way the Lord would. They are so full of wonder and they remind me what it is like to have a childlike spirit. This is the part of me I think my mom most effected. I honestly feel like this is something she would be so proud of me for.

Justin is doing incredibly well in school. He, too, is doing what he loves every day. We are so blessed to be where we are and even though it was a rough start, God has been so faithful to us.

I turned 23 on the 5th and feel no older or younger, just... alive. It was a wonderful birthday. My hubby made me a comfort food, Grandma Ruth's Chicken and Dumplings. He knew I was feeling homesick that day. He also made AMAZING molten chocolate cake and had a dozen roses for me at the door :D The next weekend we had chorizo and eggs for breakfast in bed and he bought me the new Jimmy Eat World on record! SOOOO great! Oh and a surprise trip to San Fransisco to see ANBERLIN IN CONCERT!!!!! He kept it a secret all the way there. It was just so fun. So, needless to say, my husband gave me a wonderful 23rd. 

So, all the updates aside, I will paint a picture of where I am now. I am sitting in Dolci. It is an adorable little Italian coffee shop downtown St. Helena. I am waiting until I go pick up Joshua at school, then over to Henry's till six. The people who actually live in St. Helena almost never go walking downtown, they are too busy in their adorable homes (when I say adorable I mean mostly Victorian and the kind of homes they put in movies to seem like the "average American home" when you are watching you go "I don't know anyone with a house that nice unless they live in like New Hampshire")and working to salvage this seasons harvest. Most of the people who walk through the shops are tourists or just traveling through. Yet, here I sit, typing away drinking my iced tea and thinking of the holidays. The trees change color here, just like the vineyards, and it makes for  gorgeous fall palette. We had a nice few rainy days and now it is sunny but brisk enough for a jacket...ah I LOVE the fall. The wind is sweeping in through the open doors and inspiring me to go and find a nice ubby pumpkin for carving. Yup...it's a plan.

Thank you to those of you who read this. Thank you for listening for a little while. I must be off to do what my mom did and get my house cozy for the holidays. My love to you -Bean

WHAMO! Jesus Smacked Me IN. THE. FACE!

It is amazing what a difference starting your day off in the word makes. I stopped the lazy self pity sleeping in when I could and decided I didn't recognize this person I was becoming. I have been very broken and tired lately. I miss my family, and I really miss my parents. But this morning, God did some humbling through the way He speaks to me best. It rained this morning for the first time since we have been here and the first time for me since I don't even remember. “This is yours, and you have been ignoring my gift for you, now open your eyes Korina.” And there is was, this vast vividly green valley, covered in wispy fog (the pretty kind, not the scary kind) and the sun was shining briefly as if to kiss the morning goodbye not to return until it set. The wind had a chill on it but it smelled of rain on asphalt and wood chimneys. How could I deny God's work or provision? Since when was His astonishing love for me not enough? I was baffled.

A song came on from my iPod called “Over The Pond” by The Album Leaf. They write mostly ambient stuff in a language no one understand but resembles Icelandic. Anyway, this song was on this video I watched once that really convicted me and the song reminds me still of how the Holy Spirit moves, washing over you, creeping up my spine and bringing tears to my eyes. I still get the chills when I think of it. This song is on a playlist currently titled “Life's Soundtrack” The surprise song I walked down the isle to is on there and the song I first heard God speak to is on there. I would encourage all of you to make such a playlist and listen to it often...for nostalgia's sake.

Today I spent most of the day alone with Audrey. She was pretty needy today and later I realized how alike we are :S Now I am home waiting for Justin to get off of work so I can tell him how much I love him and miss him and need him. But he will say the same so it won't be so bad :)

I had a memory today as well. Holding Audrey as she slept, I remembered being cradled by my mom, I actually recalled looking up at her as she had her eyes closed and was praying. I remember her soft cold hands. I miss the comfort only a mom brings. But today, I felt like God was actually cradling me, and no matter how bad I was, how mean, all He wanted to do was hold me, and love me. Why do we fight so hard to stay awake when we are little? What are we afraid of missing out on? Maybe today I learned that I could just missing out on the embrace, the closeness, that I need so badly. Who cares that we have no money and neighbors creepy as hell, and my car sucks? At least we can eat, at least I have Justin, at least I have a car!

So, home is going to be where I make it. I carry my family with me. I have the family I need here with me, Justin and I. Justin is truly so much more of a husband than I could have ever anticipated. Loving, nurturing, strong, humble and so gracious. He is quiet gaze in the crowded room and the reason I can feel beautiful. So, for those of you wondering, almost 9 months in, being married is absolutely wonderful. We still are giddy around each other and he still makes me swoon. I hope if nothing else, we can encourage those who were in our place. Stick with it! It is so worth the long haul. The first year did NOT suck as I was frequently told and there were no huge annoyances or fights, no we aren't perfect, but we worked hard before hand so we could continue the blissful state past the honeymoon. Our love is deeper now, and we have more understanding of each other and I cannot wait to watch Justin change and grow as I do, together in the Lord. (ps if any of you out there have video or pictures of the wedding, we still have very little and would love if you shared whatever you had :D ! )

I am starting work at a chocolate company here in St. Helena on Tuesday. I will be working everyday but Thursday working there and working with Hanson's taking care of Audrey. It will be good for us.

Prayer requests:

Little Kai (Audrey's older brother) has Autism, for renewed strength for his parents and healing for him.

That God would bring financial provision for Justin and I with school payments.

That we would find a more affordable place to live closer to town if it is God's will.

That God would open the door and our hearts to a new church home.

Thank you for the continued prayers and encouragement. If any of you readers are out there, you make this worth the writing :)

Here are lyrics I have carried with me this week, in this new place.

“This time around, you can be anyone” This Time Around Helen Stellar

Live your life like you have had a near death experience, been given a second chance, each day is new. Each day a blessing, a gift, ours to glorify God...or not.

Don't Write Me Off Yet

I know it has been far too long since my last entry, so, here it goes....
Justin and I are slowly but surely getting settled in here in the heart of the Napa Valley. Too bad it is so ugly here.

We are so blessed to live where we do and the Lord reminds us of that every time we drive into St. Helena. We are living in a VERY small town called Angwin. It is about 8 miles up the road from the Culinary Institute of America, where Justin is going to school. Angwin is home to Pacific Union College, the post office and a small "college market". The school is Seventh Day Adventist and apparently even the whole community as our mail is delivered Sundays and nothing is open on Saturdays, in fact, the town looks like some kind of post-apocalyptic horror flick.

I was blessed with a job working as a nanny for a beautiful 8 month old little girl named Audrey. Her parents are photographers for the rich and the famous. I had the opportunity to see them at work and assist them with a wedding they shot...these guys are INCREDIBLE at what they do, plus they are super great to work for. Meanwhile Justin is working at the school pretty soon here and attending classes and making friends and being awesome as usual. I am lacking in the "making friends" department seeing as most people here are over 40, have lots of money, and aren't particularly friendly anyway...maybe my jeans and nose ring are off-putting.

Anyway, I am kicking a** in the housewife department. I could never have imaged how wonderful it would be to create a home for Justin and I, a place we can't wait to get back to. So far, Justin's folks and Shaug and Amy have been able to visit to see our sweet little place which was just so awesome. They all spoiled the crap out of us and we are definitely missing everyone a lot now.

We have yet to find a church home but we are looking. Hard to follow up after the Well. But God has been so faithful to us and we are very eager to see how things will turn out.

So, my observations if you choose to live in St. Helena:
-You MUST ADORE wine...all of them, and be very good at faking the ability to identify flavors in them
-If you are over 50 you must wear really big fluffy hats and white pants
-If you do have child they need to wear Dolci and Gabana just like you do
-You shouldn't drive a really dusty car (aka mine before yesterday) anywhere, ever...the dirt might get on their Porche and cause the engine to cease.

On another note...I think crazy neighbors are going to be wherever you choose to move, so get used to it. Ours has a parrot and 3 year old who both scream at 3 a.m. and the mom likes to walk through our porch and look into our windows to see our interior decorations :S

Overall, life is good. I really miss my family. I am turning 23 in 23 days, which freaks me out. But I can't get enough of seeing Justin doing what he loves for once in his life. His contended heart blesses me so much. Casey and Alyssa, if you ever read this, know I really miss you guys and there is so much here that I would love to laugh about with you haha.

And many thanks to my husband, we are growing a fonder taste for wine. I am exceedingly jealous of all the amazing food he gets to eat everyday though.

For now I send you to my facebook page to enjoy the recent pics of our new place and the surrounding areas :) -Bean

The Pieces

Our home is a collection of nostalgia. The walls are covered in paintings from childhood, collections of random memories and posters of our favorite movies. Our music resonates up the stairs, melodies of our parents collections mixed with our own. Our closet of a home is quiet sometimes, but it is rich with our lives before each other and richer with our life we have just begun. The weight of our lives lately is wearing us thin. The world is beckoning us to a change of pace, to new people, new work, just...new. The daily prayer is the strength to make it through the work week. But, coming home to our home, makes it somewhat worthwhile.
J and I got a break this last week. We went to Catalina Island for my niece's graduation/vacation.  It was so unbelievable to take J to all the places I grew up. Part of my heart felt like, if I kept looking, I might find my mom living there. I know it is a crazy thought, but I kept imaging running into her there, among the familiar. I wanted so badly for Justin to be able to see my life before he was around, when I took him there, I was taking him to my childhood with me. Now it feels as if...he were there all along in a strange way. There were still markings that I remembered there, from when I was little. It was like going home, the town covered with nostalgia.
These pieces of my life, before and after, meeting each other. As Justin and I seek out this new part of our life, we do not know what to expect. Our hearts weigh heavy with the unknown. There are so many things we could choose to burden us so easily. My prayer is that I can support him regardless, and seek the Lord the way he needs me to. I am learning to appreciate so greatly his determination and vigor in everything he does. He is the most driven man I know. Most importantly, he desperately loves our Father, and can in return love me in ways I never knew were possible. As we grow together, my hope is that we leave pieces of us along the way. One day we will come back to this town and smile as we remember our memories here.
"Time, always time, on my mind. So pass me by, I'll be fine, just give me time."
Sometimes life moves so fast you want to pause a little while and remember, but when you do it catches up with you. And there you are, left stumbling over your memories and falling into your future. It is like being pulled in the waves, it could be bliss, or it could be deadly, all depending on how you swim. I am feeling a lot less in control than I would like, and far less graceful than I care to admit.
There are moments I could just watch Justin, I could just stare at him and take him in. When a million birds sing in the morning as if they powered the sun to rise, that is my favorite time to watch Justin sleep so peacefully. I usually wake up in time to see the sunlight warm his face. Those slow motion moments are too far in between. But, I carry them with me all day. A collection of nostalgia I have already begun to create with him.
One day, when we are old, I will think back and remember our life together. All the pieces, moments, memories, in my mind will carry me through to the next ones, and I will be able to die peacefully knowing that if I did anything with my life, at least I loved him. He carries the pieces of me I leave behind and loves me in return. If someday he decided not to love me, at least has those pieces of me. That is all I could ask for, because the Lord is in every piece I leave behind.
For now, we both illuminate.

Creative Clog

I finished watching a documentary called Art & Copy tonight and realized something about myself. I am a creative person. I need to be creating something or I feel....well rather gross. I can't remember the last time I spent time being artistic but I seriously miss it. If there is nothing that I ever do on this blog but post updates on my most recent photo or drawing or painting or whatever, so be it! I want to create a home that breeds creativity, with no hindrances or ways to keep me insecure about being artistic. I know I am certainly not the best nor will I ever be, but I do want to do the best I can. I want to watch God work in me or through me rather, to evoke emotions in people, to move them. So, if you are out there and you read this...hold me accountable please. Thank you!

The Moments Between

They say the first day of spring was a while ago, but you would never know unless they told you so. I deem today the first day of Spring. It will last about two weeks and then it will be summer as per usual. For now, I am soaking up all I can. I feel an illness creeping in as I write this tonight. Perhaps the sun will take it all away. Perhaps, it will take me away... for now the Spring will feed me, it will be the time between.

I miss a good car ride with the windows down and music loud, something acoustic and warm to match the weather. I need to "lay upon the ground and stare a hole in the sky, and think about where I go when I die" I need to spend some time with God and go where I hear Him. There is a moment that happens when I take the time, where I am overwhelmed by God and creation and love and awe. The moment between here and where I am going. The time between chaos where I cry tears of joy in hope of how He moves.

I have a husband in my life now who shares those moments with me. He sees me, observes, as I stand under the sun in wonder. He watches me in the review mirror while my fingers hang out the passenger window and wave in the wind. I watch him serve his customers all day, I watch him smile and love and, well, be Justin. I see him work hard every day, I see him do the dishes and fold the clothes and open my car door for me. He loves even in the moments between, where life happens. He shows me what being Godly really means, what serving is. I look up to this man so much. He knows me well enough to let me just absorb when I need to. Father God bless him for his selflessness. Show him how much you love him. Take my husband where he dreams, use him to be glorified. Father He longs for you, show him your vision, move in his spirit so that he can love like you again and again. Thank you for this gift, thank you for showing me what it means to love. God wherever you take us, teach us to not forget to praise you in the moments between.

Breathe in and out, see, more clearly the music in motion that God creates in front of your eyes every day. Choose to see the spark in someones eyes, at the very least look into the eyes of everyone you talk to. Be intentional in everything you do. Once we learn to be intentional in everything we do, we will learn to feel the moments where God moves.

In the quiet tonight, Holy Spirit move, fill this home, rest our hearts.

Keeping A Promise

I have had many requests of me in my life. The hardest I was ever asked to fulfill was to keep singing. "Sing" she asked me. "Don't stop singing" she reiterated a few days later. So I sang for her that next week, every day, while we were alone. "Pretty" the last thing she spoke to me.

It's hard to sing anymore.

Yesterday I sang the last song I ever sang to her at a wedding I went to. I wasn't alone. The whole crowd was asked to sing this hymn, so I sang along, not realizing how quickly that song hit me right in the gut. As I sang, a little girl with blond hair in a blue dress, about five years old turned around and watched me sing. As she shyly smiled behind the seat back I smiled back. I remembered being that little girl, dressed up, looking admiringly upon older girls, wanting to be grown up, wanting to sing.

I watched my good friend get married to a wonderful godly man. I remembered my wedding and how it seems some days like it has already been years. I watched my friend get ready amidst the chaos. I watched her mom help her into her dress. I watched her mom more than anyone else at the wedding. I watched as her mother's tears fell down her smiling cheeks, as she looked so admiringly upon her only daughter.

When I stood behind the door to the isle I would walk down, I had a moment to take everything in. My dad was on his way, everyone was sitting in their seats, waiting on me. I stood there in silence, the quietest part of my whole wedding day, alone. I asked the Lord if he would please let my mom watch, as I married the man she always wanted for me.

I miss her, every day.

Mom, you can know I won't stop singing, I promise. I have a husband now who loves to hear me, and asks me often to sing for him. I hope you know how happy I am these days. I hope you know I think of you everyday. I hope you know I can't wait to see you again. We will have a reunion like when I came to the hospital and saw you for the first time since I got back from Ireland. Your feet kicking hands waving crying hysterically and laughing at the same time. I am sorry for everything I ever said that hurt you. I hope you know how much I love you. Thank you for this legacy, I will do my best to make you proud, to follow our Father, to love my husband and my family, until I see you again.

Father I will reflect and shine, I will illuminate, I will sing, for and because of you.

The lilac tree in the parking lot is shaking away the bees, or maybe the wind is just dancing with it. Either way, it is captivating because it is doing exactly what it should be, blooming in all it's glory. There is nothing like watching creation do what it was meant to, watching it all in play. There are waves of sadness and joy, heartache and grace, that flood into you day after day, and push you further into the longevity of your life, that shape and mold you. At the very least I feel like I am being pulled down river in my life. As exciting as it seems, I am scared at times of what will be around the bend and I can't help but think about what seemed so fleeting upstream. However, this is life at it's most beautiful, rushing, flowing, carving, constant.
How to I, Korina Barigian, play into this wild river? How do I keep my head above the water? I let the water take me. I don't know where I fit in. All that I know is that I am to love my maker. It is so easy to do and so hard to do at the same time. Jesus why do you choose to love me? How can I love you better?

I came home yesterday to a completely clean home and a note that began "My beautiful bride" and I fell asleep to the swollen heart of my husband who was overwhelmed by the love of our Father. How did this happen? How did I become so blessed? I can't do much, but I certainly can love my Justin. He is the one thing I did right. Really, I didn't do anything, God just opened my eyes, allowed me to love and be loved. This is me doing what I was created to.
Justin was accepted into the Culinary Institute of America for the fall semester. It is some of the most exciting news we have received in a while. We are waiting on the financial aid and more information before we can start making some big decisions. We are waiting on the Lord about buying a car for Justin. A coworker of his is selling a Honda. Hopefully that works out. We are the brink of a lot of change. This is the kind of life I love to live. It is risky, it takes a lot of faithfulness, and now I have a husband to share it with, one step at a time.

Personal goals
Paint more
Practice guitar more
Photograph more
Love more

New Favorites
Justin's smile creeping out from under the covers that cover his mouth
Walks through the tree covered neighborhood we live in
Making breakfast with J in our pjs
Needing to use sunglasses again
The soft hum of songs from our wedding floating upstairs while I get ready for the day
My hand held every night as I fall asleep

For now I am off to float away :)

There are things too amazing for me...

"There are three things that are too amazing for me,
four that I do not understand:
the way of an eagle in the sky,
the way of a snake on a rock,
the way of a ship on the high seas,
and the way of a man with a maiden."
Proverbs 30: 18-19

"How do you like married life?"

This is the most common question I hear. I remember asking it often to my newly married friends. Most often I heard "It's great, lots of compromises, but I love it." or "Sure learning a lot!"

I feel like I was prepared for a lot of little conversations of personal opinions clashing between Justin and I. I was ready to encounter many "compromises" and "learning" new things. In all honesty, I love living with my husband. Not to say my friends don't love living with their husbands, I just feel like I lucked out marrying a man with such similar living habits.

One of our favorite things is coming home after a long day of work and talking about our day, then cozying up to a good movie. We love our movies, and to tell you the truth I never would have thought another person out there would be ok with such a simple thing. Don't get me wrong, we love to go outside, weather permitting, but nothing beats a great movie. I can get a lot of criticism for it too. "Why don't you talk to each other instead?" We do! It's awesome! It's this thing called communication that we practice a lot of so we can have time for movies without neglecting each other. Plus, no T.V. in the bedroom (a rule Justin decided on before we were even engaged) I have to say, living with him is one of the easiest things I have ever done. It is new, it is a learning experience, and it is the most natural thing I have ever done.

So, my response to the most common question: "I am a HUGE fan of being married" and my response to the second most common question "When are you having kids?" (which by the way is unbelievable how often such a personal question is asked): "We are practicing" and on a more serious note, seeing as we just got married a little over two months ago, we have some time, hopefully lots of time.

So life is wonderful. I am learning more and more about the most fascinating person in the world to me. I am learning how God is speaking to me. We are really enjoying church and all its challenges for us as a married couple, and our AWESOME life group once a week. We are actively praying about the Culinary Institute of America in August for Justin. He has his application in and now we wait. We are so excited to see where God takes us, how He leads us.

Spring is right around the corner here in Bass Lake. We are so blessed to live in such a gorgeous community. Everything is getting so green and lush and lovely. I see my mom's smiling face with every post storm dramatic sunset, clouds bright and colorful. I am being challenged by the Lord in this new season of my life to daily lay down my issues and be open with my husband about what God is doing in my heart so he can better guide us and be the spiritual leader I need him to be.

As of right now I am fighting off a gross head cold, in bed, waiting for Justin to get off work, the best part of my day. It is amazing to me the depth of love the human heart can hold when the Lord has His hand on your marriage. I know this is all very new and people still call us "honeymooners" or "naive" but I cannot even fathom how I can love him more than I already do, then tomorrow comes and I am blown away at how possible it is. I know we will make mistakes, I know we will fail each other, that is simply a part of marriage. I married my best friend, and I am proud of how we did it. My sincerest prayer is that our story can be told and bless those around us. We simply cannot have what we do without our Father. God alone is what makes this possible, and because of God alone can we daily enjoy the true joyful blessing of it.

I am also daily humbled and truly overwhelmed at the amount of prayer and support we have from our family and friends around us. We can continue to love and be loved because of those in our lives as well. There are some things too wonderful for me to understand.

As soon as I get wedding photos I will post them, I am as eager as all of you to see them. For now, I am off to drug myself up ;) Yay NyQuil!

BEST. VALENTINE'S. EVER

being married is awesome...enough said

5 Days Left on the Advent Calandar, 50 days left on mine

I am so overwhelmed I do not even know where to begin...

I sit at my computer with my hot chocolate, thinking about how if my mom had been turned onto the blog world, she would have written often. This cold weather reminds me of her more than any other. I had a flash memory of her at Christmas time. It was the Christmas of 2006 before I left for Ireland. I had fallen asleep on the couch in the living room, five days left on the advent calendar, the room was dimly lit by the lights on the tree alone, and my mom sat at the end of the couch, bible and notepad in hand, her cheap, muddy, fifteen-times- reheated coffee on the side table. She had her eyes closed and she was humming an old Keith Greene song, a wide content grin across her face.

When I think of how she loved the Lord, I am shamed. I am sincerely enamored at the way she fell in love with God, as He cradled her there, on the end of the couch, on a stormy December night. I desire the same close walk, so that I can love the way she did. This is from that night...probably around 2 a.m.


I had never remembered the significance of that night, until I remembered...there were five days left on the advent calendar. Little did I know that three years later, on that same night, I would be marrying the man of my dreams. In 50 days I will be marrying the man of my dreams, I will be remembering my mom that night three years earlier. I know she prayed for Justin and I. She waited and prayed and faithfully was assured at the Lord's work within Justin and I. If I learned anything in Ireland, I learned that I loved Justin. I know my mom was praying for my eyes to be opened.

The amazing women of my family threw me the most amazing bridal shower last weekend. I was so overwhelmed at the amount of love and time that went into it. It takes a whole lot to surprise me, but they did it. I sat and listened to them all tell me wonderful stories about love and marriage advice. Hearing all of their perspectives on me and Justin's relationship over the years left me in tears at the blessing of it all. As we get closer to our wedding day I am reassured over and over of God's anointment over us.

I watched Justin hold my nephew Greyson today, something he has had to warm up to. I think the fragility of a baby is intimidating to him. I watched him hold Greyson up in the air and kiss his little forehead. I saw Justin playing with little Mikayla, making her two year old little heart flutter. He loves in a way I could never fully explain, but there is something about his interaction with others that leaves me falling even more deeply in love with him. He doesn't even realize that he loves when he is loving. He holds my head in is hands and reassures me of the Lord's provision, he looks into my eyes when I tell him about my day, he fills up my car with gas, he will open the door for others, he addresses his elders and Mr. and Mrs. There are many things Justin will do that are simple acts of kindness, simple acts of love, that he will never recognize, he will never understand the significance of, just as long as I can be around the rest of his life to be his biggest cheerleader, to open his eyes to it.

In a lot of ways my mom and I are very similar, the main thing being our shared love for a cozy sofa and our bibles, a time of reflection. On a drive we took once, just mom and I, we were listening to a Relient K song. The lyrics "I think I'll go eat cereal and stare out the window" came on and mom said that reminded her of me so much. We both laughed at how true it was, because both of us could so easily get lost in thought, and it usually involved a window and a storm of some sort, and we were usually eating something or drinking something warm, taking in what God had to say.

Life is wonderful lately. Again, I am overwhelmed. Maybe prayer for financial provision, a place for Justin and I to live, and patience for the next 50 days. Those are the big ones. Otherwise, I wake up and see the Lord living, loving, actively, and as we go into this next month, I want to soak up all He has to show us.

I am off to get into some pj,s, cuddle up on the couch with my hot chocolate, and listen to what the Lord has to say.

Sunny With A High of 75

The wind is blowing into my room and flirting with my wedding dress as it hangs in it's bag on the back of my bathroom door. Today is sunny and just warm enough to leave the windows open but keep a light sweater on. The aspen trees outside my slider are singing to me, they sound like when the waves roll back over a stony beach. It is breathtakingly gorgeous outside right now. The air is so crisp and cool I feel like a bi-plane ride is in order.

The Lord has so blessed me with a man who loves so strongly and passionately. Justin is working as a manager at Pizza Factory for a while and that has been a huge blessing. We are very much enjoying our engagement. I am relishing every moment I have with him while he is home from work. We are really enjoying our premarital counseling with Ryan and Christen and working toward our marriage together.

Wedding planning is coming along very well. We have been tremendously blessed with many very generous gifts to help us on our special day. I still wake up with him on my mind and he still holds a hand out in expectation and anticipation for mine everywhere we go. I am continually overwhelmed by the love and blessing of this man.

Last week I was reminiscing on how far we have come in our relationship. I thought about all of the things we have been through together and how I still know so little about the creature that is this man of God. I still feel like he is so far out of my league, but rest in confidence of his love knowing he only feels the same way about me. I see God in ways I have never known before because of Justin, and my hunger for the Lord has become more consuming. We laugh till our sides hurt, we cry when love wells in us and presses against our eyes.

I start work back at the Cool Bean Cafe on Friday morning. I am so excited to start a new journey there. I cannot wait to see what God has to say and do. I am really enjoying the company of my family today. We have almost the whole gang here tonight. Also, if you think of it, be praying for Angie and the kids. I miss her so much it hurts. Well, my fiance is home from a long day at work and pre-wife duty calls!

Enjoy this fall weather, fall in love.

I get to marry this man in 88 days...what the what?

Yeah...we have fun together, like making homemade tortillas, and laughing till we can't see straight at how silly we are, or being happy with just the quiet unspoken between us. I have an update coming soon...stay tuned :)