"My apartment has many leather bound books, and smells of rich mohogany"

Is who I am becoming who I want to be?
After asking God for an awareness of who I am, how I react, how I progress, I have come to the humble conclusion, I am not all that fascinating. I lack color and vibrancy. I am not electric. When I pray for the Holy Spirit, I illuminate.
As human beings we are just that, beings. We are complex, yes, but we are not alive. You can see it in a persons eyes when their soul has withered. A person filled with the Spirit is intoxicating.
I want to beam. I desire so much to become the person I want to be, to just be there. I will never fully be like Christ, but in my pursuit, in the trials along the way, my prayer is that I will reflect Him. I want to grow in wisdom, be a person of character and integrity. I want to lead in my servanthood.
How I choose to react to situations alone, can tell so much about myself to strangers. I want strangers to see God in me. God is working on breaking habits, changing theories, transforming my way of thinking, and honestly, it's scary sometimes. It means admitting you're wrong.
I hear certain people speak of God, men who have studied the word, memorized it. When I listen to men who have developed their theories, who know philosophers and are Kierkegaard's themselves, I have to say, I am quite intimidated at their wisdom, or their ability to memorize things to at least sound intelligent. So much of me wants to be scholarly, to have attained a quiet sense of pride in my work. I want God to speak something profound through me. The difference between me now, and me a year ago though, is that then, I wanted God to speak through me so people would find me interesting, appealing. Now, I want it because God has placed a desire in me for others to know Him, and have relationship with Him, not a formula. I want Him to speak through me so that others can meet Him. Besides, I don't want to sound wise, I want to be wise.
God make me transparent
God make me quiet, radiant.