Well, it has been some time since my last post but I will be brief in what is new so far. For one, mom is better. She has completed her radiation and chemotherapy for now and is on the road to getting better. Her doctors want to try and schedule an operation in about a month to get all the yuckies out. She had an infection in her port where they administered her chemo and it was a huge pain, but now, luckily, is healing at a healthy pace. So, she moved back home to be with the Dad and kids, after a good month here at me and the Evans'. We needed her here with us to monitor her meds and overall rest. We are still researching like mad to find alternatives to a permanent colostomy and doctors who perform such procedures. I would greatly appreciate any info that any of you could find.
So, now that mom is getting better, I am in hot pursuit of a job! Yay for me. It has been tough so far but I have high hopes and I know God will bless this like He does with everything else. The holidays are coming and Lord knows I need some money for them.
Spiritually I am just waiting on the Lord for long term direction. I find that I very easily put an unnecessary amount of pressure on myself to figure my life out right here and now. So as a result, as soon as someone else adds to that pressure, or even asks about it, I find myself becoming so tense, even if they jut genuinely want the best for me and want to hold me accountable.
I am caught between what I desire so deeply and what is logical, or just plain expected as a kid my age. I know that much of the advice so quickly given is only out of love from people, but it is so hard sometimes not to see it as pressure. I know that going to school for the next six years is not what I feel God calling me to, and I know that it is exactly what people want me to do. It breaks my heart to feel as if I am the only person who does not see the glory in it. It is not as if I didn't go to college, I was there for a while, enough to realize that for me it was much like high school. It isn't the teachers, or the students, or the material, it's the whole environment. I have the hardest time learning at the same pace as the rest of the students.
So, I will keep praying for God to change my heart, until then I will live my life daily, in pursuit of the Lord, in His ministry, which right now is my family, and soon to be work. I know I am to go back into worldwide missions, it is just a matter of God's timing.
I want to feel like I am still being used by the Lord, the ever sense of purpose in living life at such an awkward time. I am in an unusual circumstance, and I have to remember that. I learned a lot this last week, a lot about life, a lot about death, and a lot about mediocrity.
And so, like I have said before, I am choosing to really live. To be alive. Whether it be for me, or even out of spite...haha.
